Oh the Places You'll Go (or not go)

My Aching Back

2012-02-07T09:58:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, while reaching down to grab a onsie for Sully, I pulled my lower back. How is it possible for me to move furniture, lug pounds and pounds and pounds of laundry up and down two flights of stairs, carry around an 18 pound baby, etc. and yet pull my back while picking up a onsie???? I'm sure much of my back issues can be attributed to my weight. Weak stomach muscles make for weak backs. I've lost just about five pounds and am trying to recover from a weekend of not sticking with the healthiest of eating. Weekends really are my hardest time.

So Fancy

2012-02-06T10:08:00.002-06:00

Don't you wish you had one?

Sully finally got his helmet on Friday. He's been in physical therapy for months now to try and correct his torticollis and although it's been improving he'll need to wear the helmet for three to four months to help correct his plagiocephaly. He's taken to it quite well and even slept in it all last night with no problems. I didn't think it was possible for him to get any cuter but I think he just might be cuter with the helmet on.

In other news, I am having a trial run with a house cleaner on Friday, which has prompted a rush of trying to organize things and clean off surfaces around the house. That is exactly what I hated about having cleaners the last time, was how much work it was to get ready for them to come over. I'm trying to come up with a list of the things I want cleaned and then just make sure those areas are able to be cleaned without too much time spent either by me or her pre-cleaning them. We'll see how it goes. It's funny how I want someone to clean my house but then feel embarassed by how dirty it is so I actually end up cleaning it before the cleaner comes.

So the battle against clutter was fought well this weekend and I came out on top. The battle with eating better was not fought nearly as well and I definitely came out on the bottom. I find it so much easier to stick with eating better when I'm at work. Being home all day on the weekends is just too much time for me to think about eating and then eventually give in. Maybe I need to start a new knitting project or something else to keep my hands busy - apparently having three kids isn't quite enough!

Battling

2012-01-31T08:56:00.003-06:00

I am normally a very healthy person. I rarely get sick and there are some people who would argue that my immune system may actually work too well and may be what caused my miscarriages. Typically I don't even miss one day of work due to illness. My sick leave is used up by doctor appointments and maternity leave but rarely is it used for actual sickness. So, it is surprising to me that I have been battling the same cold, cough, sinus congestion thing for months now. I think I first got it in December and now here we are at the end of January and I still have it. Oh sure, it will lighten up just enough for a few days to have me thinking that it's finally gone but then I'll wake up unable to breath through my nose and the whole things starts all over again. This past weekend was bad, I had a very sore throat and stuffy nose, but now today I'm feeling a tad better so I'm hoping that I'm on the upswing and that finally I will be rid of this forever.

Another thing I'd like to be rid of are migraines. I got a doozy yesterday afternoon and then, like a total idiot, I didn't take any medicine for it, instead hoping that sleep alone would take it away. I was wrong and woke up this morning with the same headache. One $13.33 migraine pill and an hour later and it's gone.

It's shaping up to be a good day. First, it's supposed to be 51 degrees and sunny today. In January. In Wisconsin. Second, I weighed myself this morning and I lost one pound, bringing my total thus far to nearly 7 pounds lost since I started my diet. And third, I paid some bills which is something I always put off because it's depressing but at least now I can be rid of the nagging feeling that I have bills to pay. I'm going to try and catch up on some reading during lunch today and keep things light. Tomorrow seems like the perfect time to think about the heavier things going on like deciding on where to send QT for kindergarten, how we're going to afford the new roof we need, whether the husband will have a job come next year and when oh when to schedule our FET. Such pesky little matters.

Piling Up

2012-01-26T10:25:00.002-06:00

Things seem to be piling up. Sully has a bad cough, has a doctor's appointment tomorrow and will get fitted with his helmet next week. SB has been busy with school, is trying to raise money for Jump Rope for Heart (if he raises $1,000 he'll get a scooter, yea kid, good luck with that), and is gearing up for Catholic Schools week next week which means something new for me to plan for everyday (crazy hat and sock day, mismatched clothes day, etc.) and QT, well, QT is still working on using the potty and being her super cute self while having a toddler meltdown multiple times a day. That's the kids, and then there's just stuff. You know, stuff - car insurance is due, credit card payments are due, grocery shopping to be done, run and pick up prescriptions at Walgreens, oh my gosh we're almost out of toilet paper, invites for QT's meow kitty birthday party need to get sent out and on and on and on.

Anyone noticing a theme here? One of only partial organization, just enough to get by but not enough for there to be any real efficiency? Story of my life.

Mid-Life Crisis?

2012-01-20T12:09:00.002-06:00

My 40th birthday basically came and went with no fan fare, no celebration but also with no distress, sadness or pining away for my "youth." Over the last five or six years there have been many times when I've wish myself younger but those thoughts tend to revolve around my ever closing window of time to have children. I envy the luxury of time 20 somethings have to plan their families, space their children, save up more money, etc. But, that is a very specific reason to want to be younger. I don't look back at my 20s as some magical time so I suppose that might be why I have no desire to be 20 again. I feel as though I really came into my own while in my 30s and assume that I will continue to do so in my 40s. I'm actually kind of excited to see where my life goes in the next decade - how will I grow as wife and mother and what new opportunities will my career bring. But, underlying that excitement is also the stark realization that many things I've been putting off for years and years can no longer be put off.

For starters, losing weight. My weight has always been an issue I've struggled with. I think I went on my first diet in the 7th grade. I had some good success while in college losing weight and then again in my mid-20s and again in my 30s before my wedding. But, each period of loss and then maintenance ultimately ended and I gained back all the weight I had lost. When I began having children it became easy to think that I could push off seriously trying to lose weight until I was done. After all, why lose a lot of weight after your first child if the plan was to become pregnant again quite quickly? And so it's gone for the past six years. Sure, I've made some half-hearted attempts but nothing really serious resulting in anything more than a ten pound loss. But, now that I'm 40 I realize that I don't want to wait another five years to lose weight. I'm tired and I know that part of the reason I'm tired is my weight. I'm tired of clothes not fitting right, tired of spending money on clothes that no matter how great they look in the store or in a catalog never end up looking good on me, I'm just plain tired of the whole situation. In my 20s and 30s I always though that things like cholesterol was something I could worry about later, like in my 40s, and well, now here I am in my 40s.

Secondly, there is financial stability. Don't get me wrong, we make enough money to afford our home, cars, groceries, etc. but we have no real plan for retirement. I know it's still an awfully long way off but at the same time I know this is something I should have tackled long ago. I would like to eliminate my credit card debt so that we can focus on paying off student loans and the car and then I'd like to amass a nice savings cushion so that I don't have to spend so much energy worrying about all the what ifs of the job market. Ahhh, wouldn't that be nice?

Thirdly, I'd like to be more organized. For me that means lots of different things. I want a cleaner house, I want to actually put away the clean laundry before it's time to do another week's worth of dirty laundry, I'd like to have dinners at the dining room table as a family, I'd like less clutter............gosh, I could go on and on and on with this one. I know that I can cut myself a little slack in that having three small children in a smallish house means the reality is it's not always going to be neat and tidy and I'm really okay with that. But, I just have this need to feel more in control of my homelife. Not sure this really has anything to do with turning 40, it might just be that since adding Sully things need to be more organized just to make sure the basics get done but then again, when I think of people who are 40 I think of them as sort of set in their lives and I don't really feel that way right now so maybe it does all relate.

So, wish me luck while I hit my 40s head on with a long list of things to accomplish before I turn 41.......or 45.........or heck, can this stuff just wait until I'm 50????

Just Call Me Mrs. Doctor T.

2011-12-29T10:09:00.002-06:00

It's been so busy that I almost forgot to announce that I am now Mrs. Doctor T. Yes, the husband finally defended his PhD dissertation and was successful. So, I'm now married to a doctor! What a pity it's not the kind of doctor who goes on to earn tons and tons of money but I still love him anyway.

White Christmas - Fail

2011-12-29T09:48:00.003-06:00

It's December 29th and so far NO measurable snowfall in good old Milwaukee. I see this as a good thing. Sure, there was no white Christmas this year but since I know it will eventually snow, and snow a lot, the longer we can put it off the better in my book. The way I see it, now when it does snow I can take comfort in knowing I just need to get through January, February and a little bit of March before spring arrives.

Christmas turned out to be quite nice. The kids were thrilled with their gifts and I feel like the amount we got them was just about right. QT got a scooter, SB got a Mario racetrack and the Sully, well, he got some fun animals to hang on his car seat and play mat. Oh, and he'll be getting a helmet in a few weeks to help round out his flat head.

Sully has been in physical therapy for torticollis for three months now and although his neck, head and arm movement have all improved, the flat spot on the right side of his head is not improving. We took him last week for measurements and as we suspected, he has moderate plagiocephaly. The therapist explained that everyone has an asymmetrical face and head and so any measurement 6mm or less is considered normal. Thankfully, Sully's face is within that normal range. But, when his head is measured from the back to the front there is a 17mm difference between measuring the left and right sides. That's a pretty big gap and so he will definitely need a helmet. Right now we're just waiting to find out from our insurance company how much, if any, they will pay. Helmets aren't cheap.

So yesterday was the day - the two year anniversary of me losing Trey. I thought about him from time to time and am sad but time really does begin to heal all wounds. Obviously, having Sully makes it less painful but I can honestly say that you can't just replace one baby with another. Having a baby can bring such joy but it doesn't just automatically dispel the sorrow of having lost a child and I wish more people understood that.

Christmas Memories

2011-12-21T09:44:00.002-06:00

It's coming upon Christmas which seems to have snuck up on me this year. Perhaps that is because it has yet to snow more than just a dusting and the temperatures here are still in the high 30s and not in the teens as is so common during Wisconsin winters. It seems strange to not just not have a white Christmas but to have a "warm" Christmas.

The closer we get to Christmas the more the memories come flooding back to me. Memories of when I was kid running downstairs to a room full of gifts left by Santa. Oh, the wonder of a Barbie dream house so big it needed an elevator, a globe with bumps marking the mountain ranges, a big head with hair I could style any way I like...........Christmas definitely is for kids. I can't wait for my kids to come downstairs this Christmas and open all of their gifts. The wonder and excitement of children just can not be matched.

One memory I'd rather not have is that of my first miscarriage. I remember small details of those days two years ago as if they just happened yesterday. Seeing my doctor for a regular check-up, listening to a nice strong heart beat and yet leaving his office feeling as though he knew the baby was going to die and he just didn't know how to tell me. Sitting at a friend's house eating lunch and thinking how strange it was that my food aversions had seemingly disappeared. Lifting QT in her car seat and lugging her up to the door and later wondering if that didn't cause the placenta to pull away. Putting together toys for the kids for Christmas and then just seeing blood everywhere. Hearing the excitement in the ER nurses voice when she found the baby's heart beat. Seeing the ultrasound tech shake her head no a few days later when I asked if everything was okay with the baby. The ante-partum nurse handing the husband and I a little box where our dead son lay tucked into a little flannel sleeping bag. Going home to a house filled with leftover Christmas joy only to feel completely empty inside. Even two years later it's hard. Even with Sully's smiling face it's hard. People have said to me "oh, but at least now you have Sully" and although I understand why they say that, Sully hasn't replaced what we lost. After all, you can't just replace one child with another.

I can't wait to make some new, joyous, memories this Christmas.

The Sweet Smell of Christmas

2011-12-12T08:56:00.003-06:00

While reading books to the kids last night I thought back to what was one of my favorite Christmas books:

Then I grabbed my iPhone, clicked on my Amazon app and with one or two clicks ordered it. Tomorrow night I'll be scratching and sniffing the orange, peppermint and Christmas tree. Ahhh, the sweet smells of Christmas. I can't wait to share it with the kids.

Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum

2011-12-07T10:01:00.002-06:00

Actually, I don't really like Rum but lately I've been thinking about starting to drink a little more. Things around here have gotten, well, a tad overwhelming. Here's something I've learned: having a baby is sometimes hard; having a baby, an almost three-year-old and a five-year-old is sometimes hard; having a baby, an almost three-year-old, a five-year-old and a husband getting set to defend his dissertation, all the while working full-time, is always hard!

The holiday season seems to just bring so many things with it. There's decorating to do, presents to buy and wrap, cookies to bake, visits with Santa to set up and all the while the laundry piles up, cheerios mark the living room floor begging to be vacuumed up and new bills arrive daily that need to get paid. More and more I've been stressing over money. Normally I'm a big believe in everything will work itself out but at the same time we've been hit pretty hard this past year with medical bills, some expected and some unexpected, which have sucked up the little extra savings I had. Add to that now making a car payment for the first time in quite a few years, a pay freeze at work, school tuition and daycare for another child, not to mention the diapers and formula and things have gotten a lot tighter. A lot tighter.

One unexpected expense has been physical therapy for Sully's torticollis. And now, although his neck muscles are loosening, his head is not reshaping how it should and so he will be fitted for a helmet. The helmet is $3,200. I feel like waves of bills are just crashing in on me. Every time I come up for air a new wave comes crashing in. Hopefully this will be the end and the tide will go back out and we'll make it a few months without any new, big expenses.

In more joyous news, the kids are super excited for Christmas. We are opening multiple Advent calendars each night and talking about how soon it will be baby Jesus' birthday. Saturday we attended a pancake breakfast with Santa and great fun was had by all:

Okay, so Sully doesn't look all that happy to be with Santa but trust me, he had a good time. QT was a little shy when it came time to sit with Santa so no pictures of her with Jolly Old St. Nick, but she did take a minute to tell Santa what she wanted when he got up and walked around. I guess I should be pleased that she's not willing to just sit on any old man's lap.

I Was Promised an Extra Hour

2011-11-07T14:53:00.003-06:00

Daylight Savings Time promises us an extra hour so why is it that I never seem to actually get an extra hour? Saturday night Sully actually woke up to eat twice instead of his normal one time and then the kids were up bright and early at 6:00am. So much for getting an extra hour of much needed sleep.

Life really seems to be catching up to me lately. I'm tired all the time. In the mornings I hit the snooze button twice just trying to eek out a few more minutes of sleep. During the day I am so forgetful that I literally have to write even the most basic things down on sticky notes. Things like, eat lunch, or drink coffee. Then, I forget to look at the notes and end up forgetting to do the very things I wrote down. By the time I get home I'm basically ready to crawl into bed. Last night I sent the kids upstairs to get their pajamas on right around 5:30 p.m. which is nearly two hours prior to their bedtimes. I keep hoping things will get better once the baby is sleeping through the night but I'm doubtful.

Halloween was amazing, with the kids just being as cute as they could be. SB was Anakin Skywalker, QT was an owl and little Sully was Yoda:

My return to work was hectic but with one big project complete and another almost complete I'm hoping it will slow down just a tad. It's amazing how the days just seem to blend into one another and before I even realize it, it's the weekend again, and then it's Monday again and the start of a new week. I still can't believe Thanksgiving is in two short weeks, much less that it's practically Christmas, something I'm reminded of with each store I step into.

Hopefully I will start to update things here more - if only I could find the sticky where I wrote that down!

And So it Goes

2011-10-16T08:32:00.002-05:00

This week I turned 40. Honestly, in my head I am still right around 30, although my body feels like it's about 60. Forty rewarded me by having my back go out while putting the baby down in his crib. Very nice. I guess I just don't feel like I can have have a newborn and be 40. I also feel as though at 40 my life should be figured out and it's anything but. Yes, I have a career, a house, three kids, a dog and a cat but I have no big retirement account, only a very small college fund for the kids and I just have this feeling that I'm not yet completely settled. Maybe it's because we still don't know if we're done having children or maybe it's because the husband is still in graduate school or maybe it's just not wanting to acknowledge that there are things we really need to get working on - saving for retirement being just one example.

Also in a sure sign that time is passing, on Tuesday I return to work full-time. I scheduled myself with some long weekends for the first two weeks in an attempt to ease myself back into the groove of things. I enjoy working so actually doing the work isn't a big deal. However, getting three kids up and out the door two days a week when the husband works earlier than me will be hectic, as will going back to not getting home until sometimes between five and six and trying to figure out how to get everything that needs to get done, done before the kids need to be in bed. Also, I will really miss picking SB up from school. It's so nice to see him coming running out yelling "Mommy" and then giving me a giant hug. I've also had a lot of fun taking the kids on outings to places that we normally wouldn't go to on a weekend. One more big thing is just the flexibility I have right now to just run downstairs and throw in some laundry or to do the dishes as they get dirty so I never come home to a sink full of dirty dishes or to run an errand when there aren't as many people in the stores.

Mommy English

2011-09-29T08:17:00.002-05:00

Do you know Mommy English? The longer I am a mother the more versed in Mommy English I seem to become. It's apparently a language that you acquire over the years of trying to convince your children to do things they are either reluctant or flat out refusing to do. Unfortunately, there is no Rosetta Stone course for Mommy English and instead you just have to learn while on the job. Right now, my Mom English seems to revolve around food. A few weeks ago SB was refusing to even try mashed potatoes. I sat there astounded that a child who asks for french fries morning, noon and night was refusing to eat what is essentially mashed up french fries. And then it dawned on me, he doesn't know mashed potatoes are mashed up french fries, heck I doubt he even realizes french fries are potatoes, instead choosing to believe they simply sprout from the ground golden brown in perfectly shaped sticks. And so I told him in a cheery voice "eat your mashed up french fries young man" and you know what? he did!

Just the other morning I had another opportunity to hone my Mommy English skills. Both SB and QT were ignoring their pumpkin swirl bread I so excitedly had bought at the store and no amount of reminding them to eat their breakfast was working (big surprise there) and so I changed my words. No longer was I telling them to eat their bread or their pumpkin bread, instead I asked why they weren't eating their Halloween bread. Their ears perked up and they took a whole new look at the slices on their plates and what do you know? they ate it!

So now I am on a mission to rename anything and everything if it would mean that my kids would eat more veggies or clean their rooms or just do things in general that will make not only their lives better but my life easier.

Running Out of Time (and Energy)

2011-09-21T07:18:00.002-05:00

I have just about a month left of my maternity leave and am realizing more and more with each passing day that my goals are not getting accomplished. They are not lofty goals, they are simple goals, like getting the dining room table cleared off once and for all, organizing the nursery so Sully can move into his own room once he's too small for the co-sleeper, coming up with some sort of workable schedule to get everything done every week (the basics of laundry, meals, etc), putting together an easy to navigate work wardrobe so I don't have to try on three outfits each morning before figuring out what still fits me and what doesn't and sorting through all the toys in my house to get rid of all the junk and make it easier for the kids to find what they want and clean up after themselves. Yesterday I did manage to accomplish one goal, which was trimming the tree in the front yard and the bush in the back. Of course, there are a ton more bushes to trim but I'll take what I can get. Hopefully the cool weather today will inspire me to get back out there and trim up at least one more bush.

Bottles of Different Shapes and Sizes

2011-09-18T15:37:00.004-05:00

A bottle for the baby, a bottle for mommy to drink right now and a bottle for mommy to drink once all the kids are in bed.

What a Wonderful World This Could Be

2011-09-12T09:29:00.002-05:00

I have sort of been avoiding all the September 11th hype these past few weeks. It's been ten years and yet when I watch the footage from that day it seems like just yesterday and my sadness over the enormity hasn't faded too much from how it was that very morning. Last night though as I settled into feeding Sully I turned on the television and there was a September 11th special just starting and I couldn't turn it off. It was footage taken that day, footage that showed the first plane fly into the tower, footage from inside the lobby where fireman were trying to figure out what to do and how to help, footage of loud bangs emanating from the roof as bodies crashed down, footage of one tower and then the other crashing to the ground..........and as I watched, I held my little, innocent Sully bear and hoped and prayed for a better world for him.

Up All Night

2011-09-03T12:35:00.003-05:00

The Sully Bear has been an eating machine lately. Holy cats, it feels like he's eating constantly. Last night we were up four times to feed him and the last time, around 4:00 a.m. got sucked into watching a movie so even once he'd fallen back to sleep I was still up and am still up now at 12:30 p.m. Despite the incredible lack of sleep, it's the most wonderful feeling in the world though when after he eats I put him on my shoulder to burp and after a few minutes he falls asleep and I just get to hold him, listen to him breath and stare at his beautiful face.

SB finished up his first week of K4 and it seems to be a success. He really enjoys school and seems to be loving the all day format. He's excited to nap on his nap mat, excited by outdoor recess and even excited by hot lunch. I figured he'd shy away from hot lunch for a while but he wanted it the very first day of school. That it was pizza probably helped. When he got home I asked him how he'd liked his lunch and he said it was good and then I asked if he'd eaten his carrots and he thought about it just for a second and then said "ahhh, probably not." Probably not, as if he wasn't quite sure if he had eaten them or not. I for certain knew that he hadn't and when I asked him why he didn't eat them he went on to explain that they were the "wet" kind. I can only assume that means they were cooked carrots, in which case, very gross and I completely understand why he didn't eat them.

QT has been missing SB which I just find ever so sweet. I miss him too although not as much since normally I'm going to work during the week so I'm pretty used to not seeing him during the day. It amazes me to think that next year even QB will be in school. They are just growing up far too fast.

As for me, I'm healing. My bruises have turned a lovely shade of purple, black, yellow, green and blue but they aren't as sore and I am no longer taking the Percocet but am popping Advil off and on because my back is still sore.

I'm also half-way through my maternity leave and feel as though I've accomplished so little. I'm in the middle of re-working my wardrobe, trying to purge all the things I wear but don't love and all the things I never wear but it's been slow going. I've managed to make meal plans some weeks and just wing it most others. This week I managed to cook two meals from scratch and both turned out well. One was an Italian casserole, basically ground beef, onion and spaghetti sauce topped with a mixture of sour cream and mozzarella cheese and then topped again with crescent roll dough. The second was a Low Country Boil of red potatoes, fresh corn on the cob, onion, smoked kielbasa and shrimp. The husband really enjoyed this one and it was super easy to make because as the name implies, you just boil everything in a big pot. The goal, of course, is to have a meal plan that gets stuck to every week but it just feels as though something always crops up. My plan for last night was to make Spanish Paella but then it was 95 degrees with close to 100% humidity and there was no way in heck I was going to have the stove on for over an hour to make it. We opted for hot dogs and chips instead.

My goal this weekend is to come up with a really workable weekly schedule for all the things that need to get done. That plan may include hiring someone to take over some of those things that need to get done. Right before I had SB I hired a cleaning person to come once a month and it was wonderful. I gave that up when money got tight and money is still tight but my sanity is worth something, right? So, I'm considering looking into a cleaning person again and for more often than just once a month since we've added two more children, a dog and a cat to our household since the lazy days of a life so long ago I barely remember what it was like.

First Day of All Day

2011-08-29T10:07:00.004-05:00

Today I sent Shannon off to his first day of all day school. Wow how the time flies. He was so excited, I think it was the husband and I who were a little sad. There's a certain freedom when your children are young and not tied to any schedule other than the one you choose to put them on for meals or naps. Now, not only am I tied to my own work schedule, but to his school schedule as well. Soon I will be that woman at work who is explaining why I need a certain week off from work because "that is when my kids are off from school."

Doesn't he look so grown up in his uniform?

Rough Ride

2011-08-25T20:19:00.004-05:00

Was I just talking about a great vacation? I guess I spoke too soon.

Wednesday the husband and I got up early and took the baby with us to breakfast at a great greasy spoon in St. Germain. We got home in time to round everyone up to go horseback riding. The plan was for my nieces to go riding and I figured I'd hang out with my sister until they got back and the husband was going to take our kids to a park to play. Well, then my sister said that she was going to go riding with her daughters so I figured what the heck, I'll go too. The last time I rode a horse I think I was ten years old. The last time my sister rode a horse she was five and the experience wasn't a good one. Her horse walked straight into a bush and stopped and much screaming and crying didn't get it out of the bush. Little did we know that this trip would prove to be far worse.

We arrived, paid and then signed a release - you know the ones, you agree to not sue even if you are maimed or killed. Then we were assigned horses. I got Big Blue and yes, he was very big. We were ready to go when three other people decided to take a ride as well so we waited while they mounted up and then we were off. We rode through the woods and it was pretty easy riding. Every so often one of the horses up in front would slow down to grab a bite of grass or would just lag behind and then we'd all trot a little bit to catch up. Mainly the horses just seemed to do what they wanted without much direction from us. They followed one another, sped up when necessary and slowed down the same way. We were about half an hour into a 45 minute ride when my horse trotted a little bit to catch up to the rest (my horse was last) and the last thing I remember is my horse coming really close to my sister's horse in front of me and then I felt like I was falling. The horse was up on his hind legs and I was trying to hold on but I could feel myself falling off to my left and then bam! I landed on my hip and behind and had the wind knocked out of me. I saw my horse running off into the woods, I saw my sister turn around and call to the guide saying I had fallen off and then I tried to stand up. No way so I settled back down into the dirty trail. But then I saw my horse coming back towards us and I got up because as much as falling off a horse hurts I was guessing having a horse trample you would hurt far worse. While I was trying to stand up something happened, all the horses spooked and they were gone, all off in different directions taking their riders with them. I could hear the kids screaming and the guide was off her horse trying to control things but not having any luck whatsoever. I just started walking up the trail to find everyone and my sister wandered dazed and confused out of the woods. She was covered in blood that was coming from a large cut on her head. Next we came upon the mom and daughter that were riding in front of my sister and although shaken up, neither were injured. We found my nieces in a field just a little ways up the trail. One had a big bump on her forehead that was bleeding a bit and the other was scared with a twisted knee. It was a pretty crazy scene with kids screaming and crying, specially after seeing their mother covered in blood. It took a bit to get everyone calmed down and I tried to assess my sister's injuries. As I tried to clean the blood off her face I could see how deep the cut was, down to bone and told the guide that we would need to go to the emergency room. The guide had no way to communicate with the stable but luckily I had brought my cell phone. She called for help and about ten minutes later a pick-up truck came and took us back to the stable.

The husband was there waiting for us and we transported everyone to the hospital in Eagle River. I think that was the most action that emergency room has seen in quite a while. My sister had a cat scan of her head, one niece had an x-ray of her knee and the other of her back and I had one of my pelvis. I was also checked to make sure my kidneys weren't bleeding. My nieces and I were found to be fine, albeit sore and badly bruised, but my sister was diagnosed with a broken nose, broken occipital lobe and the cut required 11 stitches. The doctor also said she needed to see a specialist in Milwaukee the next morning so the rush was on to figure out how to get her back in time.

Needless to say, this is not how I saw our vacation ending.

Real Real Gone

2011-08-23T16:02:00.002-05:00

I'm on vacation. Wait, I'm on "vacation." I'm actually still working part-time from home and although I'm not at home, I'm with my three children and two of my nieces, not sure that qualifies as a vacation or just the same work in a different place. But, it has been fun. We are staying at a beautiful house with plenty of room for all of us, a short walk down a hill is a sandy beach and a good swimming and fishing lake. We brought the boat and the kids have been out numerous times just on fun rides and also for fishing. They have spent time on the beach making sand castles and time in the lake swimming. Today, during a rain storm, the kids colored and played old school marbles. It's wonderful to see how happy the kids are taking part in such normal activities. You don't necessarily need a trip to Disney Land to have a great vacation.

Our State Fair is a Great State Fair

2011-08-11T11:01:00.002-05:00

Yesterday we all went to the state fair. It was fun, although tiring, to get everyone out and about. QT loved seeing the cows. Given her addiction to milk she as thrilled to see where the milk comes from. SB liked all the animals but I think really liked riding all the carnival rides more. The husband took SB and QT to see the pig races while my younger sister and I walked around with Sully just taking in all the booths full of mops, cheese graters, slicers and dicers, etc. Sully garnered quite a bit of attention for being such a cutie. People just seem to be drawn to babies.

As for eating, I think I did pretty well with not going overboard. I had some mini-chocolate chip cookies, some bbq pork nachos, some sour cream and chive fries, Mexican style corn and soda. I think that's it. I didn't even get any hot candy nuts which I LOVE. Oh wait, I did bring home some popcorn mix which I snacked on last night. I didn't have any deep fried butter though, or deep fried snickers bars, or deep fried macaroni and cheese, or deep fried beer.......or really anything deep fried other than the french fries and I somehow got out of the fair without eating anything on a stick. It's a miracle.

I don't think I've been eating as much during the days in general but I do seem to be eating quite a bit a night before bed. As of this morning I've lost over 20 pounds since having the baby but I can say I'm not making any effort to keep that off and seem to have just resigned myself to the fact that I will eventually gain it back. I suppose I should start thinking about adopting a healthier eating plan but it just seems like so much work on top of all the work I'm already doing.

Due Date

2011-08-09T07:49:00.002-05:00

Today is my official due date. I know it hasn't even been three weeks but I'm going out on a limb and say this is actually easier than I thought it would be. Now, I know saying that is asking for a world of trouble to drop down from the sky but I really do feel that way. I also know that things will change substantially once I am back to work full-time, commuting, at home more and more with the kids by myself and things will really change once Sully is mobile, but I'll take what I can get and right now that is that things are good.

Back to School

2011-08-06T14:33:00.004-05:00

It's amazing how quickly this past week has passed by. How is my little boy already two weeks old? Things have been going really well with everyone. I am feeling a million times better, SB and QT are still excited about their new little brother and the baby is both a good eater and a good sleeper. The last two nights he's been up right around 4:00am for a feeding and I find myself almost falling asleep while feeding him and then, when he's done and it's time to put him pack in his bed I don't, choosing instead to let him cuddle on my shoulder and we both sleep. I love holding him and in the quiet of the early morning it's nice for it to just me him and me.

We've gotten out a few times now as a family of five and it doesn't seem as overwhelming as I thought it would but I suppose if it were just me and the kids it might me. Last weekend we went out for breakfast and today we did a quick trip to a pizza place and to get SB and QT new shoes.

SB starts school in just three weeks. He'll be going full-time to school and it's just hitting me how much he's growing up. School supply shopping and buying him a uniform really made things real to me. He's really going off to school, everyday for easily the next 15 plus years. How did that happen? I know he'll love school but I'll admit to be a tad nervous. It's not even so much about him being away every day, it's more all the things that will change. We've never had a strict morning schedule. SB could wake up naturally and he'd be eating breakfast as I was heading out to work. His school starts at 7:45am so now he'll have to be up by a certain time so that he can be at school on time. In the past we've taken fall family trips around Columbus day because I would have that day off of work but now with him in school we'll have to work our trips around his schedule, which, of course, everyone else I work with who has kids is trying to do the same thing so it makes it hard to get off. He'll have homework and permission slips and he'll need a lunch each day and oh my gosh, so many little things that just add to my ever growing list of things to keep track of. I have a hard enough time keeping up with my stuff, much less all the stuff that a kindergartner seems to generate. Some parents find discipline challenging but I know that for me keeping track of different schedules for three kids will most likely be the toughest part of motherhood for me. I'm also just not sure I'm ready for the loss of freedom him not going to school full-time has allowed us.

One Week

2011-07-31T12:05:00.002-05:00

Sullivan is now just over a week old and honestly, it feels as though he has always been with us. He sleeps and eats a lot and sometimes we're lucky and he opens his pretty blue eyes. I'm in awe of how we created this little person. I try and tell myself that he is the baby we were meant to meet and raise and that for some unknown reason, Trey and Therese weren't. When I watch him sleeping I think about how lucky we are but underneath, way underneath, there is still some sadness over our losses. I never thought having a baby would make up for the losses so I'm not surprised but I was surprised by how quickly that sadness came back up.

Right when I had him, when I could feel him slipping out of my body, I was sobbing with happiness and relief. He was here and when I heard him cry I thought he was safe and healthy and when they laid him on my stomach I thought he was perfect. Later in the afternoon I received flowers with a card that said "the third time is the charm." Third time? This was my fifth pregnancy and fifth child. The third time indeed wasn't the charm, nor was the forth. I suppose "the fifth time is the charm" just doesn't have the same ring and really, this was supposed to be such a happy day, not a day to dwell on the past. And so I choose to focus on what is here in front of me and what is in front of me is pure joy.

Meet Joseph Sullivan

2011-07-28T15:02:00.005-05:00

Joseph Sullivan arrived at 9:45 a.m. on Saturday, July 23rd. He weighed 8lbs, 9oz and was 21 inches long.

The husband, SB, QT and, of course, I are all so much in love.

Scheduled

2011-07-22T16:56:00.001-05:00

Induction set for 5:00am tomorrow morning.

And the Amnio Results Show Lung Maturity!

2011-07-22T10:16:00.002-05:00

Tuesday I had another ob appointment. I was 37weeks and 2 days and 3cm dilated. That is exactly the same place I was with QB and I went into labor less than a week later. My doctor said he'd schedule an induction at 39 weeks or I could have an amnio performed to test for lung maturity and if it came back showing maturity that he would schedule an induction for this weekend. Apparently things have changed in the last two years and it is now unacceptable to schedule an induction prior to 39 weeks without proving lung maturity.

So, yesterday I had an amnio done. The procedure in and of itself wasn't bad at all. First, they did an ultrasound to see how the baby was positioned and to measure the amount of fluid. Then, the perinatologist came and guided a very long yet very thin needle into the upper part of my baby belly. I chose to watch everything on the ultrasound so I didn't see him put the needle in. I felt a small poke and then another poke as the needle went through the uterus. It was actually pretty neat to be able to see the needle on the ultrasound and then see the fluid moving around as it was drawn up into the syringe. What I actually felt the most was him pulling out the needle but even that isn't what I would describe as painful.

After the amnio the baby's heart rate was monitored for about half an hour. Unlike Tuesday when it was mainly in the 150s, with just a few spikes into the 170s when I was having contractions, yesterday it was mainly in the 170s and getting into the 180s. I really hope that issue resolves itself after delivery as I hate thinking there might be something wrong with the baby's heart.

As I was walking back to my car the nurse called with the first set of results and it was borderline. Apparently, they do a quick test and then if that doesn't come back showing maturity they send the sample for further testing. This morning I got the call that the extended test showed that the baby's lungs are mature. So, now I'm just waiting on my doctor to call to let me know when he wants to do the induction. I've known now for some time that I'm going to have a baby and yet I'm now a huge bundle of nerves. I'm scared things won't go smoothly and I'll regret choosing the induction, I'm scared that something will be wrong with the baby, I'm scared that I'll develop another blood clot even only being off the blood thinners for a day or so, and now, as I feel the baby moving inside me, I'm even feeling a little sad knowing that this may be my last day pregnant - ever. I feel as though I'm ready and as though I'm completely unprepared all at the same time.

Simplify

2011-07-18T10:19:00.002-05:00

Lately I have been trying to figure out ways to simplify my life. Adding a new baby to the mix seems counter intuitive to simplifying but adding a new baby is what has spurred my desire to simplify. Most of my nesting this time around has revolved around things like getting the kitchen counter tops cleaned off and re-organizing underneath the kitchen sink and the bathroom closet. I've throw away a ton of stuff that I either haven't used in years or honestly have never used. Just how many different types of cleaners does one lady need, specially one who doesn't clean all that often? So, slowly but surely I've been trying to pare things down. I've packed up books, clothes, shoes and household items to give away and have felt great about doing so. And yet, when I look around my house I still see so much clutter. The dining room table, no matter how hard I try, never is cleaned off for more than five minutes. My closet is still so stuffed full of clothes, in a wide range of sizes, that I don't think there is room for any more to go in. The den a/k/a the playroom is bursting at the seems with plastic toys that my children are better at taking out and playing with than they are at putting them away.

I think part of simplifying isn't just about getting rid of stuff but getting rid of certain expectations I have. In my world, the toys are displayed neatly in bins and are organized according to type of toy. You know, all the toy dinosauers are together, all the Matchbox cars are together, the Goodnight Moon game box actually contains all the pieces. In this world I would never be asked "where is the mommy" that goes with the dollhouse because, of course, the mommy would always be with with dollhouse. Too high of an expectation for a four and two-year-old? You bet. And so, part of this process for me is giving up on my vision for the world. Or, put a better way, perhaps not giving up but modifying my vision. With the toys my vision has adjusted to include that the kids will put their toys away prior to heading upstairs to bed each night. I don't care where they put them, so long as they are contained in a bin somewhere. You want the mommy for the dollhouse? Then go start digging!

You Can't Change the Plan Now

2011-07-12T16:03:00.002-05:00

From the time of my second pregnancy to now my doctor has always said that I'd be scheduled for an induction at 38 weeks due to the shoulder dystocia I had with SB. Today, at my 36 week appointment, he changed his mind and said he wouldn't schedule an induction until 39 weeks, despite not only the history of shoulder dystocia but now a history of DVT, being on blood thinners, two losses, high fetal heart rate and a very, very quick birth with QB. I work best when I have a plan and I certainly think it's too late in the game to be changing the plan now. Also, need I remind him that with both SB and QB I went into labor on my own no later than 38wk1d?

I'm Getting Too Old for This

2011-07-03T11:52:00.002-05:00

None of my pregnancies have been what anyone would call easy but at the same time they haven't been hard. Yes, I have morning sickness the entire time (threw up yet again this morning) and yes, I'm tired and yes, I get huge and uncomfortable but it's never seemed all that bad. And, despite those annoyances, I have always really enjoyed pregnancy. This time around I'm still enjoying it but I'll admit it's been harder on my body and far more tiring than I ever could have imagined. Is that because I'm pregnant, have two young kids, work full-time and have the residual worry about losing another baby or is it simply because I'm 39? Either way, I'm either getting too old for this or I've got too much else going on for this.

A Smidge of Drama

2011-07-01T15:31:00.002-05:00

Whenever we discuss having babies, the husband makes me promise that the next pregnancy and subsequent delivery will be drama free, as though that is something I can help. He claims I promised him a drama free experience this time around. I do not recall ever saying that, although I'm sure that I agreed that no drama would be good.

Yesterday, there was a smidge of drama. On Wednesday my doc referred me to a perinatologist so yesterday morning I went to work as usual and was waiting for it to be after 8:00 a.m. so that I could call and schedule an appointment. Before it even hit 8:00 a.m. though my doc called to say that he had spoke with the peri and they both agreed that I needed to be admitted to the hospital for 24 hours so that they could monitor the baby's heart rate. So, after only about 15 minutes at work I was leaving, heading home to back a bag, and heading to the hospital.

Once we arrived we got situated in a birthing suite and I was hooked up to the monitors. The baby's heart rate was high, in the 180s and they could see that I was also having some contractions. Over the next five hours or so I watched tv, the husband worked on his laptop and the baby did somersaults in my belly. The heart rate ranged anywhere from the 150s to as high as 210 at one point. In the afternoon the peri paid a visit and he said that although the heart rate was on the high side that so long as it was going into the 200s and staying there he wasn't really concerned. His advice was to test me for some thyroid issue, send me home and have me return twice weekly for non-stress tests. So, a 24 hour stay turned into about a five hour stay and I was happy to go home although still a bit nervous about why the baby's heart rate is so high.

34 Week Ultrasound

2011-06-29T16:26:00.003-05:00

The baby looked really great at the ultrasound. The heart rate started in the 130s which was good news. Measurements show that the baby is actually closer to 36 weeks than the 34 weeks I actually am. No big surprise there. A little later on the heart beat started really going and went into the 180s. It could just be from movement or something else, even though the heart looked normal on the scan. So, I am being referred to a perinatologist just to get a second opinion. What's one more doctor at this point?

Welcome the Newest Member of our Family

2011-06-28T15:28:00.003-05:00

I give you the 2010 Ford Flex SEL in Cinnamon Metallic:

Isn't she beautiful?

Slow Down Baby

2011-06-28T14:44:00.002-05:00

I had an ob check yesterday afternoon. Normally they are pretty uneventful. I sit in the waiting room, I sit in exam room, the doc checks the baby's heartbeat, we discuss what's coming next and then I leave. Things were going normally yesterday except that everything was sped up. My wait both in the waiting room and in the exam room were shorter than normal and then, when the baby's heartbeat was checked it was quite sped up. The first reading was over 200 beats per minute. The second, taken just a a few minutes later was in the 180s. Over 200 is never normal and although 180 can be normal in the first trimester by 34 weeks it should be quite a bit lower.

So, I was sent over to the hospital to have the baby monitored. I was there a little over an hour in which time the baby's heart rate ranged from the 140s to the 160s, with a few spikes when there were kicks. In the end everything was declared fine and I was sent home with instructions to keep track of the baby's movement. I also have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow afternoon which will help determine the size of the baby as I am measuring a full two weeks ahead.

I have been feeling the baby move a lot today which is great since I am now super paranoid that something is going wrong and if I went too long without feeling movement I would freak out. It's going to be a long four weeks until I deliver if I continue to wake up every half an hour to make sure the baby is still moving.

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-19T17:54:00.004-05:00

Squirmy

2011-06-10T10:37:00.002-05:00

The baby has been really squirmy lately and it's awesome. I love to not only feel movement but SEE movement. With SB I can remember feeling a bit awkward, like I had an alien in my stomach who was trying to get out. But, by the end of my pregnancy with him, and in my subsequent ones, the movement is something I've come to treasure and it's something I miss terribly once the babies are born.

I'm also missing Therese terribly. A year ago today was my D&C.

In brighter news, my front yard is about to get bushes! Maybe a year and a half ago we had our front bushes removed and our front porch replaced. The porch looks great but then we didn't have the money, time or energy right away to re-landscape. My aunt, a master gardener, drew up a plan for us so last weekend we went to the nursery and picked out 15 shrubs. A few are green, a few are yellow and a bunch are a very pretty deep red. I think it will be wonderful to finally have some color in our landscape. Now we just need the weather to cooperate so that everything can actually get planted. This week started out crazy out, like in the 90s, but then turned crazy cold, like in the 50s, and now today it is raining and chilly with more rain expected. If I can just get my act together I'll try and take some pictures of the progress and final results.

In darker news, I am finally getting my hair colored again today. The gray is really showing right now because I've been too lazy to do any root touch-ups over the past six weeks or so. It's gotten so bad that the mailman at work actually commented on it. He was coming in to collect the mail when I was leaving to go home so he held the door for me. I dropped my id badge, bent over to pick it up, and when I stood up he said "you could really use a touch up, your gray is showing." Gee, thanks buddy, like I didn't already know that. Normally the comments pregnant ladies get are about their huge bellies, but me? Nope, it's my gray hair that stands out.

Anniversaries

2011-06-08T07:53:00.002-05:00

There are some anniversaries you look forward to like your wedding anniversary and others not so much. This morning when I left the house it was hot but a slight breeze was blowing and I could smell the faint scent of lilacs in the air. I could also feel the baby squirming around in my belly. All seems good until I remember this day last year. My ultrasound appointment was in the morning and I can remember sitting in my kitchen sipping coffee, working the crossword puzzle and listening to the radio. I can remember what I was wearing, my navy pants, white t-shirt and green sweater. I can remember knowing deep down what the ultrasound would show and yet also having this tiny little sliver of hope that things would work out. Of course, things didn't work out and the baby had died. So, I'm a little sad today thinking how I should have a six month old baby girl.

And yes, before anyone says it, I am grateful to be currently pregnant with what I'm hoping will be a happy and healthy baby. I am also grateful that I have two wonderful children at home who give me big hugs and kisses everyday. However, no amount of gratitude for what I have can totally relieve the pain from having lost two children. There are still times when I look at SB and QT playing and I wonder what it would have been like had Trey or Therese lived. I wonder how different our family would be. Watching SB and QT grow up makes me think about the two little ones I will never get to watch grow up. I'll never seeing their budding personalities or see what they would have grown into. Loving your kids who are with you makes you all the more keenly aware of what you have lost with the ones you will never know.

Who Are These Women?

2011-06-03T08:16:00.002-05:00

I know there are women out there who breastfeed for two plus years, make their own organic baby food, cloth diaper and don't ever watch television when their kids are around but really, who are these women?

My husband and I have a running joke in which I discuss my "fantasy world." You know, the one in which I change bed sheets more than once a month, my home is amazingly clean, laundry is washed, dried and put away all in the span of a day instead of a week, a home-made dinner is set on the dining room table each day and we all gather round and chat about our days..........

For me I am basically in "get by" mode. I do enough so that my house isn't a complete disaster, my kids have clean clothes to wear and food to eat, but I know my limitations both with time and personally. I just do not have the personality, drive or energy to do many of the things that I know other women choose to do. And you know what? I don't really feel guilty about it either. I think one key to being a happy and successful mom is knowing your limitations.

When it Comes to Mothering, I'm a Slacker

2011-05-24T09:31:00.002-05:00

Clearly, I am a slacker. My last post was over a month ago. I honestly do think about stuff to write about all the time, it's actually sitting down and writing the posts that seems to get away from me.

Most recently my slacker ways were pointed out by my children. SB and QT are very excited about soon having a baby brother (no, we do not know the sex yet but they are convinced it will be a little boy) and so they are constantly wanting to look at pictures of themselves from when they were babies. When SB was about to turn three I made a photo book for him of pictures from the first year of his life. My intention was to make one each year, and of course, to do the same for QT. But, being the incredible slacker that I am, I only ever made the one. SB is obsessed with looking at it and can describe exactly what is going on in each picture. Poor QT just stands there and looks at me asking where her book is. Ugh!

So, what's a slacker mom to do? Get busy making QT a photo book, obviously. Easier said than done though as when I started to put it together I realized that I don't have nearly as many photos of her as I have of SB from his first year. In fact, I don't have a single photo of her first Easter and although I have pictures from her baptism they are all of before or after the mass and none of her actually being baptized. I'm sure that somewhere, someone else in my family has pictures of the actual baptism, and that they probably provided those to me but do you think I have any idea where "real" photos would be? I deal much better in electronic media.

On the baby front things are progressing. I am measuring a week ahead but feel as though it's more like four or five weeks ahead. I can feel a lot of pressure when I walk which is uncomfortable but manageable. I'm 29 weeks and realized this morning that I only have 8 or 9 weeks to go. How time flies. All of my blood work has come back good and at this point I'll be seeing my ob/gyn more frequently. He is trying to decide how closely he wants to monitor the baby as we move forward and I am trying to decide how I want to handle scheduling the induction. Right now I am leaning towards having an amnio done at 37 weeks to check for lung maturity and scheduling the induction as soon as the test show that the lungs are mature. However, I'm scared that the procedure will put me into labor and then if the lungs aren't mature we could be facing another NICU experience and, if I go into labor on my own it sort of defeats the whole purpose of having an induction which is to allow me time to be off of the blood thinners and be able to get an epidural. Decisions, decisions.

I have at least one more visit to see Dr. Coulam. She will do more blood work as well as an ultrasound in another two weeks to check in and see how the baby is doing. I'm excited to get to see the baby again.

Since I am running out of time and it's been basically proven that I am a slacker, here are a few things I need to get done pre-baby:

1. Figure out how we are fitting three car seats into our cars.
2. Schedule a tour of the birthing center as we are trying out a new hospital (not my choice).
3. Make test runs to said new hospital as it is further away from our home and had we tried to go there when QT was born I would have given birth to her in the car.
4. Clean out the bassinet so the baby has somewhere to sleep.
5. Buy new bottles so the baby has something to eat out of.
6. Potty train QT.

I'm certain there is far more but those seem to be the most pressing. In composing the list I have finally come up with an area which I haven't been slacking in - buying clothes for the baby! I have accumulated quite a stockpile of cute clothes which can be worn by a boy or a girl. Having said that, I have to add another thing to the list:

7. Drag old baby clothes up from the basement, sort through them for what we may need and what should be given away and then wash all of it.............or maybe that can wait until after we have the baby and I know which set of clothes I need, boy or girl. Being a slacker, I don't want to have to sort through both sets!

Could I Be Any Lazier?

2011-04-20T15:17:00.002-05:00

I suppose I could be if I didn't have to work and didn't have two young children at home, but given that those things aren't changing, I think I'm being about as lazy as possible.

To update:

My last two natural killer cell levels have come back completely normal so that is great news and such a relief.

My last thyroid panel also came back normal. It's been easily over a year since it really got wacky so it's nice thinking it's found it's way back to normal again.

My last ob check was good. The baby's heart rate was good and I've been feeling lots of little kicks and twists and turns so an active baby makes for a happy, less worried, mom.

My last heparin check came back low but I haven't heard back from the doctor if he wants to up my dose or if I should just get it re-checked again in another month. I'm wondering if having the test run so far away from when I do the actual shot is making it come back low. At least it came back showing there was some in my blood which wasn't happening when I was only doing one shot a day.

So, all in all, things are on the right track and I find myself smiling more and worrying less.

Half-Way Point

2011-03-20T11:07:00.002-05:00

I'm 20 weeks today and have reached the half-way point. Technically, since I will have this baby right around 38 weeks, I really hit half-way last week. It's exciting to think how close we're getting. Each day I feel a little more movement which is very reassuring.

I had a short doc appointment Friday and the heartbeat sounded good. My heparin levels were rechecked and, unfortunately, came back non-existent again. So, it's looking like I need to return to twice daily injections. I've been doing them for so long that it really isn't a big deal, it's more just one more thing I have to remember.

Today is a rainy day and I wish the weather were nicer so that I could get the kids out of the house. They've been cooped up all winter and we all just want to be able to get out. The nice weather this past week was such a tease since today and the rest of this week isn't supposed to be super nice. I don't know why I'm not used to this having lived here 39 years but every year I'm frustrated with how long winter and spring are.

Well, QB is beginning to scale the tv stand to try and reach the Leapster so I have to run!

And the Baby is Declared

2011-03-14T10:01:00.001-05:00

Perfect!

We had the anatomy scan last Monday and the tech said everything looked normal and "perfect." It's still hard for me to put faith in the word "perfect" because I've had perfect before turn out in an awful way but I'm trying my best to stay positive and believe that we will have a great outcome with this pregnancy. Our baby is healthy and that is what matters.

I've begun feeling movement, ever so slight, and I enjoy it but find it unnerving that it's not all that often and not very strong. The placenta is right in the front so I believe that is keeping me from feeling as much movement as I felt in previous pregnancies at this point. I'd love to start feeling some super kicks just so I can be even more certain that everything is going the way it should.

Despite being 19 weeks, I spent some quality time in the bathroom this morning throwing up. Ahhh, vomiting up stomach acid, a great way to start the week.

Other than that, not much else to report. I drove down to Dr. Coulam's for bloodwork last Wednesday and am hoping to not hear from them. No news is good news. I also had my progesterone, thyroid and low-molecular weight heparin levels checked and two out of three were good. My progesterone falls within the normal range and although my TSH is still too low the other levels are good and I'm told there's no need for concern. My heparin level, however, was non-existent so that makes me wonder if I'm on a high enough dose. I plan on having that rechecked this week when I go in for my regular ob check.

I Have to Admit It's Getting Better

2011-02-24T16:05:00.002-06:00

My anxiety that is. I'm starting to sometimes say things like "WHEN I have the baby" instead of "if I have the baby." And yet, just typing that out scares me because I'm worried that I'll have to take it all back. My sanity is kept in check in no small part due to my doppler. I do a quick heartbeat check everyday and it helps to get me through.

So, I think my anxiety over the pregnancy is getting better, little by little. My morning sickness hasn't gotten the message to get better. I continue to throw up on a somewhat regular basis, although it isn't everyday like it has been in past pregnancies.

Other things are getting better as well. I had a small tooth disaster this weekend. Who knew that eating cheese poofs could result in cracking off half a tooth? I now know. So, instead of enjoying a leisurely President's Day off from work, I spent three hours at the dentist getting fitted for a crown. Oh joy. Naturally, I declined to sign up for dental insurance this year because it's just so darn expensive.

Also on the mend is my foot. Tuesday while innocently walking across a restaurant floor I slipped on a puddle of water and fell. Yes, fell onto my right knee, in front of everyone standing in line waiting to order and everyone sitting there eating. It was quite embarrassing and so my reaction was to pop back up, declare myself "just fine" and to move on. Little less than an hour later I realized that I had actually injured my left foot, which had twisted in the fall, and I was unable to walk normally. At this point I'm still limping a little but I believe all will be will in another day or two.

You Just Can't Have it All

2011-02-17T08:53:00.002-06:00

I can remember having this awesome feeling back in fall of 2009 that everything was falling into place. We had two wonderful children, I was pregnant with our third and the husband had a contract teaching job which we both hoped would lead to something more permanent. It almost felt like things were too good and I kept wondering when it would fall apart on us. And, sure enough, it did fall apart because we lost Trey.

Here we were again, me pregnant with what we hope will be our third living child and the husband with another contract teaching job which we hoped would extend into next year. Which has to go since we all know you just can't have it all? It would appear that perhaps the teaching job has to go. I'll admit, I'll take that over losing the baby, although it is hard to raise a baby with very reduced income.

I typically have a strong belief that things will work themselves out and so I'm hoping that is what will happen here. The contract teaching job will come through, or even better, a permanent teaching job will appear, or we'll win the lottery and somehow it will all work out. We work hard so why can't we have it all? Is that just too much to ask or expect?

Vday For Better or for Worse

2011-02-15T12:19:00.003-06:00

Valentine's Day turned into quite the haul for me. The husband got me a new television for our bedroom, a sweet card, a box of delicious chocolate truffles and a dinner at the Melting Pot. I got him a card. Hmmm.........

Last year we celebrated Vday with dinner at the Melting Pot as well and it was a lot of fun. The food was good, the wine was good and we enjoyed ourselves in spite of still being somewhat in the fog of having lost Trey. This year, I can say that it wasn't so great. We had a reservation but still had to wait about 45 minutes to get seated. That meant we didn't even get to start eating until after 9:00pm. Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I'm in bed and most nights, I'm asleep by nine. Additionally, I had a bad afternoon with several vomiting episodes so going too long without foods wasn't an appealing option and yet, eating wasn't all that appealing either. The food itself was just so-so this time around and very over priced (although I guess you should expect that on Vday.) I'm not sure we'll be going back. I guess I'd go back but only if I can choose whatever I want from the menu instead of being tied to a set menu.

Over dinner we discussed divorce. No, not for ourselves, but just divorce in general. I talked about how I had read a study that if you go back and ask divorced couples if they knew on their wedding day that they would some day get divorced the majority say yes. I find that so intriguing. The day I married the husband I had zero doubt in my mind that he was the right guy for me. I sure hope that I continue to feel that way forever. Marriage certainly isn't always easy, even I know that and we're just going on six years, but I do look at it as we've already been through what I'm sure constitutes the "for worse" in the wedding vows so hopefully the coming years will be filled with more "for betters" than "for worses."

Ambitious Sunday

2011-02-13T08:49:00.002-06:00

Yep, it's not even 9:00am and I've already made a meal plan for the week. Now I just need to get to the store, purchase everything and then actually have the energy during the week to make the meals. It sounds so easy and yet my plans like this normally fall apart.

When I was a kid both my mom and dad worked so when I look back at how the house was always clean, the laundry always got done and we had a "real" dinner every night, I wonder how and the heck did my mother manage that along with three children. I say my mother because my father certainly didn't help with any of that. I'm sitting in my living room right now and it looks as though we're running a daycare out of our home. There are blocks everywhere, a race car track, little doll house, train table, etc. just all out and about. The husband vacuumed on Friday but I'm not quite sure I can remember the last time I dusted everything. It was probably the last time we had anyone over. And the last time I made dinner? Well, I guess last night I did manage to make a box of Kraft mac 'n cheese but does that really count?

Other working moms, or non-working moms, or working non-moms, I'm not picky, PLEASE tell me how you manage to get it all done.

14 Weeks and Moving Forward

2011-02-09T15:49:00.002-06:00

So, here I am still pregnant and officially past when I lost Trey.

Today was the last of my weekly visits to Dr. Coulam. The ultrasound showed a baby that is really getting big, measuring a few days ahead and still with a good heartbeat. My natural killer cells are elevated yet again but I have been sick the past week or two so hopefully that is why. Even though I won't be seeing her every week anymore, I will still return to Evansville each month for blood work. If my levels remain elevated that is more IV intralipids in my future. I was sad to leave the comfort of her office. Her nurses are so very nice and her office also holds no bad memories for me as opposed to Dr. Bear's where all I seem to have are bad memories. It will be weird to not see the little guy every week but who knows, maybe I can implore Dr. Bear to let me have bi-weekly scans for a little while longer at least.

This weekend I have an appointment with the endocrinologist to have my thyroid re-checked. The morning sickness actually seems to be picking up as I've been feeling more nauseous more often and I've been throwing up quite a bit more. It's still nothing like what it was with SB, QT or Trey, but it strikes me as odd that it would pick up starting in the second trimester. My suspicion is that my thyroid is over-suppressed and the hyperthyroidism is what is making the morning sickness more intense. I'll feel better once it's checked out.

In related news, I'm slowly but surely weaning myself off of the progesterone. I know I was told to stop using it at nine weeks but I knew I would not stop until this point. I've scaled back from four pills a day to two and some days I'm only doing one. Next week I see Dr. Bear and so I'll ask him to check my progesterone levels just one last time and so long as they are good I'll be all done with the messy progesterone.

I think SB has caught on to the fact that I may actually have a baby. The other day at breakfast he said something about "when you have your baby" and then sometime later said "when I have a little brother." I asked him if he wanted a little sister and he said "no, I already have a little sister." Smart kid.

Time of Highest Risk

2011-02-03T14:15:00.002-06:00

According to Dr. Coulam I am in my "time of highest risk." Hmmm, is that supposed to make me feel better? To be honest it's just been freaking me out. It's not as though I needed her to tell me that because I know exactly when things went wrong in my previous pregnancies and I know right where I am today. I know my anxiety is up because I think about using the doppler a lot more, like even on days when I've had an ultrasound and have seen a perfectly healthy baby.

My visit on Tuesday was good. The baby's heart rate has come down and is in the 160s/170s now. The baby measures right on track and Dr. Coulam says the placenta looks good. For the first time this pregnancy my natural killer cells came back completely normal. I had to laugh a little considering that I have been sick with a cold/flu thing for over a week now and so isn't it strange that they would be normal while I'm sick when illness is what should activate them?

I have what will possibly be my final appointment with her next week Wednesday. At that point I will be past my loss with Trey. We're hoping for another normal natural killer result and another good ultrasound and then it will just be me and Dr. Bear from here on out. It's super weird to think that I may be entering a phase in this pregnancy where I'll be treated just like every other pregnant woman.

So, despite the anxiety, I have been feeling pretty good about things and have even done some things like get out and wash all my maternity clothes. I've been reluctant to wear any of them because I felt that it would be bad luck but considering how huge I am (I look 25 weeks) I gave in and started wearing some of the tops and today I actually wore maternity pants as well.

Today I am mailing out the invitations to QT's second birthday party. I can't believe my little girl is turning two and I can't believe I've managed to keep this pregnancy a secret from my family this long. My plan is to be wearing full-on maternity clothes at the party and then everyone will know that I'm pregnant.........or they will think I've gained a lot of weight.......hmmm, maybe I'll actually have to tell them.

Where Have I Been?

2011-01-31T16:09:00.002-06:00

I've been meaning to get on and write something but the time just keeps slipping away from me.

Highlights:

NT scan went well. The measurements were well within the normal range and I found out today that the blood work came normal as well.

Natural killer cells came down a bit and hopefully tomorrow I will find out that they have actually reached a normal level. However, I'm not holding my breath since I've never had them be normal this pregnancy and I've also been battling a cold/cough so if anything I'm assuming they will be elevated due to that.

I made it past twelve weeks without any bleeding.

I had my progesterone level tested and it came back at 44 which means I could probably actually really stop using the Prometrium but I won't because I'm paranoid.

So, those are the big highlights but I must admit that this week and next are a very anxious time for me. It's just so hard to feel secure with this pregnancy when everything was going so well with Trey and we still lost him. We've started talking about if we should find out the sex and how to rearrange the bedrooms and possible names and it's fun and yet in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder if we're jinxing things by even daring to discuss our future as if for certain there will be a baby in it. I know that's silly but it's how I feel.

Winter Wonderland

2011-01-17T15:19:00.002-06:00

It's snowing here today. I've always thought that snow was pretty - all the white on the bare tree branches can be stunning - but, then it turns gray and slushy. It's wet and you have to brush it all off your car and shovel it and well, it just becomes super annoying. Also, it doesn't help that I know it won't be gone until March. So, every winter I begin to wonder why it is exactly that I live where I live. I suppose it's just a matter of this is where I was born, where I grew up and where my family is and that has a strong hold on me that even crappy winters can't break.

I've begun using the doppler and have been having success in hearing the heart beat. Sometimes it can be tricky to find and it fades out pretty quickly. I find it frustrating that the actual heart rate doesn't register at all on the monitor. I get readings of 125ish even when I can hear the little galloping horses that is the baby's heart beating. I'm hoping that right now it's still just too early and that the further along I get the better it will be at showing me what the real heart rate is.

More about the heart rate - at the last ultrasound it was 188 and that worries me just a little. When we were in the ER with Trey his heart rate was 190 and that was right before I lost him. So, yea, that makes me worry that it's too high. I saw my ob the other day and he said it was fine but I still would love to see it lower this week.

I'll be going to see Dr. Coulam this week and next and I also need to schedule the NT scan for next week. I know it's silly, but I've been having trouble picking up the phone to call and schedule it. I just keep thinking how with my last pregnancy I didn't even make it that far and how with Trey I did and the scan was great but in the end it didn't matter. Have I mentioned by how much I need this pregnancy to work out?

Time Keeps on Tickin'

2011-01-13T14:41:00.003-06:00

Each day brings me one day closer to the time I lost Trey. I'm getting more and more nervous the further along I get (isn't it supposed to be the opposite?). Dr. Coulam keeps telling me that the baby is developing normally and I assume she thinks this should reassure me but Trey was developing normally as well so I don't take a ton of comfort in that. Oddly, this week, after another good ultrasound but super crappy blood work, she said again that the baby is developing normally but then ominously added "but I can't guarantee it will continue on that way." Gulp.

So yes, my natural killer cells are right back to being super elevated. I'm so frustrated. I don't understand why just when they start to go down and I get another infusion it seems to be reactivating them. Should I not even continue to do the intralipids since it only seems to be making things worse? Dr. Coulam suggested we see what the levels are like next week (so, the results from this week) and then proceed with a third intralipid infusion assuming the levels are still elevated. She said that even in her most difficult patients she never sees it take more than three infusions for the natural killer cells to get under control. I sure hope that she's right and that everything happens in time to allow the baby to continue to develop and you know, actually be born healthy.

I Can't Lose This Baby

2011-01-05T15:24:00.002-06:00

Today's ultrasound was wonderful. First, there was some encouraging news about my natural killer cells. The number is coming down and although it's not within normal range yet I'm hopeful that the second IV of intralipids will force them back to where they should be. Second, the baby was so adorable. I could see him (using the universal "he" because it sounds so much better than "it") wiggling around and could make out the little arms and legs. It just made me want to cry and all I could think was "I can't lose this baby."

Honestly, my heart can't take another loss, especially after seeing what I saw today. I can remember at one of the ultrasounds with Trey he was sort of waving to us and that image has stuck with me even more than a year later. I want the memories from this pregnancy to be good and joyful ones.

Dr. Coulam told me that I can stop the progesterone as well as begin to taper off the dexamethasone. Both of those things make me nervous.

2011

2011-01-01T10:12:00.002-06:00

We stayed in last night. The kids went to bed at the normal time, I fell asleep probably a little after nine and the husband worked on school stuff. He came to bed right before midnight so I woke up in time to see the new year come in and then I fell back asleep. So, not a very exciting New Year's Eve but that's okay.

Last year we went out. We were trying to distance ourselves from the pain of losing Trey. I can remember thinking how I hoped 2010 would be kinder to us but in the end, that isn't exactly how it worked out. The end of 2009 was when I lost Trey but at least the beginning of that year had brought us QT. 2010 brought another pregnancy and another loss. Hopefully, I'll be able to look back and think how it also brought us this pregnancy that will ultimately lead to a healthy baby being born in 2011.

Happy New Year everyone. May 2011 bring us all only good things.

Why Does it Always Have to Be So Hard?

2010-12-30T11:46:00.002-06:00

Where to start?

Tuesday was the one year anniversary of my losing Trey. I can remember almost everything about that day in vivid detail - what I wore, what time I called the doctor's office asking for an ultrasound, the list I made of things to ask which I then never needed, playing a game on my iPhone in the waiting room, joking with the ultrasound tech, answering her questions as she turned the screen away from me as if somehow that would save me from having to find out my baby had died..............

The day actually went okay. I was and still am sad and if I think about it too long I start to cry but I think that's normal. I think being pregnant again helps because I have hope that this will be our live, healthy baby.

It was back to Dr. Coulam's yesterday and the ultrasound went really well. The baby had a bit of a growth spurt and is now measuring a few days ahead. The heart rate was 171 so that is right on track as well. What wasn't so great was my blood work which once again came back showing elevated natural killer cell activity. The doctor doesn't understand why it keeps going up instead of going down since I have had the intralipid treatment.

She suggested I come back Monday for another intralipid IV and I asked if it has a better chance of working the second time around of if it would be worthwhile to try IVIg. She said that the IVIg is super expensive and I, like a total naive idiot, said that my insurance had agreed to cover it. She said in that case it was definitely worth trying that over the intralipids to see if I had a better response.

Back in July I had gotten prior approval for Gammagard as a treatment for recurrent pregnancy loss and so with that in hand I figured piece of cake. WRONG! The pharmacy called Blue Cross and they said that they would deny the claim. The pharmacy relayed that to me and so I called Blue Cross. Over and hour later I was told to call CareMark who administers my pharmacy benefits (despite me only having a Blue Cross insurance card which makes zero mention of someone else handling the pharmacy benefits). Anyway, a call to them and half an hour later I have confirmed my pre-approval for the IVIg and yet somehow now there's extra conditions such as it has to be ordered through a retail pharmacy and billed through my pharmacy benefits, not my medical benefits and on and on with a whole bunch of stuff that makes zero sense to me. A call back to the pharmacy yields the statement that they don't believe they will get reimbursed. At this point I give up for the night. It's exhausting and stressful (no wonder my natural killer cells are elevated) and something doesn't seem right about having to fight so hard for something that could potentially save my baby's life.

I spoke with the pharmacy again this morning, this time with a reimbursement specialist who agreed to all CareMark and check on if my pharmacy benefits really will cover the medicine like they said they would. Of course, it's now been hours since I spoke with her and I haven't heard back so that's probably bad news right? Or, was it good news and now she's just trying to find a nurse to come to my house to administer the IV?

I wish things didn't have to be this hard.

And Now, Nothing

2010-12-27T16:14:00.002-06:00

Ugh! I haven't thrown up since the breakfast incident on Friday. What the heck? Sure, sometimes I feel a little nauseous but I'd rather have the full-on vomiting. I've also been eating more this pregnancy than any of my previous ones. In the past, I've always lost quite a bit of weight in the first and even second trimesters. So far, I haven't lost any. Today at lunch I ate an entire tuna melt whereas with all four other pregnancies I would have had a hard time even eating half. What does all this mean? Probably nothing as what is that thing I keep hearing? "Every pregnancy is different." But, what it really means is that I just have more things to feed my worry.

Last week I ordered a doppler and according to the United States Postal Service it should arrive today. I know I'm crazy for thinking I'll be able to find the heartbeat when I'm just eight weeks pregnant tomorrow but I'm crazy like that. I need some reassurance and it doesn't help that in the past my ob/gyn has always been able to find the heartbeat with a doppler sometime in the eight week. Please pray that I can find it and that it's still there to be found.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas. Mine was good and I even managed to get through two family celebrations without spilling the beans. I think we're going to wait until closer to Valentine's Day to tell everyone, although that seems so very far away.

Two Times

2010-12-24T15:32:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I threw up my lunch and today I threw up my breakfast. Today I was at home but yesterday I was at work. The bathroom is oddly situated right in the middle of the office so if I'm in there throwing up just about everyone on my side of the office can hear it. When I came out one of my co-workers asked if I was okay and I said that I was fine, great in fact and have never been happier. Now, that may have been a bit of an overstatement because I'm sure I've been happier, but as far as being happy about throwing up it's true, I have never been happier to throw up.

Today is Christmas Eve and so I can't let the day go by without mentioning my little Trey who I was pregnant with this time last year. The husband and I were putting together toys of SB and QT after they had gone to bed when I started bleeding. Massively bleeding. I didn't know it then but soon I would lose the pregnancy and my little boy. This year I'm still sad, I don't honestly think I will ever not be sad about losing him, but I also have hope for this little baby inside me. Keep growing little guy.

Medical Mystery

2010-12-22T18:41:00.002-06:00

The ultrasound today went well. The baby is measuring 7 weeks and the heart rate was in the 150s so I was very happy. All seemed well with the baby.

Everything is not as well with me, however. My natural killer cells came back elevated again despite having received the IV intralipids. Since this last blood test should have shown the full effect of the intralipids I was really expecting the natural killer cell activity to be back within the normal range. It's a bit of a mystery why they not only didn't go down but they went up. It makes me nervous. I had another blood draw today so the level's will be retested and if things are still elevated next week I'll receive another IV of the intralipids.

Joy and Sadness All Wrapped Into One

2010-12-16T15:20:00.002-06:00

I couldn't even bring myself to look at the ultrasound screen this morning until the doctor told me there was a heartbeat. It was great to see that little flickering speck. The baby measured 6wk1d and the heart rate was over 120 so I was happy. The last baby's heart rate never got that high. So, I'm happy, thrilled, excited and nervous, oh so very nervous. Once the ultrasound was over I was right back into the great unknowing. I can't feel the baby move, I can't find the heartbeat myself and so I'm just left to wonder if things are going the way they should. That's hard for me to accept.

I'm also a little sad this week. Had I not lost the baby in June I would have been induced this week and would be bringing home a newborn little girl. Also, a year ago today is when everything started to go wrong with my pregnancy with Trey. I had the first incident of bleeding and less than two weeks later we would lose him.

So, I am hoping that today's wonderful news means that we are back on the path to having good outcomes.

Feeling Good About Feeling Sick

2010-12-15T09:46:00.002-06:00

I swear I have never felt so good about feeling so sick. I've been having waves of nausea off and on and I'm overjoyed.

Tomorrow is the big day.

Fat Injections

2010-12-11T12:57:00.003-06:00

Today I felt a little queasy and I've never been happier. Having lost a pregnancy where I was terribly sick the entire time it makes zero sense for me to want to get sick and yet feeling sick makes everything seem more real. And, I've had two successful pregnancies where I was sick, whereas the one pregnancy where I was never sick ended badly.

The ultrasound on Thursday went okay. For a brief time I thought I might have a blighted ovum. I honestly couldn't see anything in the sac but then things shifted and I could make out the yolk sac. The doc said there was a start of a fetal pole but I couldn't see that. They are dating the pregnancy at 5wk2d and fetal pole or yolk sac measured exactly that. The gestational sac measured 5wk5d, so a little ahead. I return on Thursday for another ultrasound and at 6wk2d we should definitely see a baby and a heartbeat. It makes me nervous just to type that.

After the ultrasound we reviewed my blood work results and my natural killer cells are elevated. Dr. Coulam said that could be from my body fighting off an infection or it could be my immune system reacting to the pregnancy. They drew more blood but I was afraid to wait until next week for the results because if they came back elevated again then would it be too late to treat them? So, we decided to go ahead and do an intralipid infusion just in case. The nurse got the IV in pretty easily, which is amazing since so many people have had a hard time doing that in the past, and then I just sat there for about an hour while the white liquid fat dripped into my arm. I never thought I'd be so happy to be getting fat put directly into my veins. I'm hopeful that if the natural killer cells are an issue that we caught it in time.

I've got Christmas gifts to wrap and a house to clean up so I'm going...........although probably going to nap instead of actually do those things. I'm worn out.

All My Love and Good Intentions

2010-12-08T13:26:00.004-06:00

My fifth beta came back and it exactly doubled in 48 hours which made me quite happy. It went from 1,417 to 2,834. I was supposed to go back yesterday for a sixth but come on, who really gets six betas? Actually, I would have gone except that my acupuncture appointment got switched to last night and by the time I was done with that I was just too darn tired to go sit at the lab. Also, I am having an ultrasound tomorrow morning and so that will give me more useful information than any beta ever could.

How nervous am I for the ultrasound? So nervous that I think I'm making myself feel sick. Last week we saw the gestational sac but this week we should also be able to see a yolk sac and please, please, please a baby with a heartbeat. I know I'm just setting myself up for disappointment by having such high expectations but can't a baby help it's mother out some and just reassure me just this once?

As for feeling sick, I've been over analyzing every little twinge. Last week I had many incidences of bad cramps, like more than I've ever felt before and so I worried if I was starting to miscarry. Was my lower back hurting so much from lifting QT all the time or was it a sign that I was miscarrying? My lack of appetite I took as a great sign but now yesterday and today my appetite is normal. Heck, last night I ordered and ate a McRib so clearly I'm not having food aversions because if you'd be averse to something it should be a McRib. Monday I felt joyfully sick to my stomach but then felt just fine yesterday and today. Tuesday I felt a spot of pain in my right calf and just knew my body was forming another blood clot. Today, thankfully, no pain at all in my calf.

So, what do I do to try and calm myself down? I put my hands on my stomach and say "I am sending you all my love and good intentions" and I hope like heck that the baby can hear me and is listening. You are very much wanted and very much loved.

How On Earth Did I Get so Jaded?

2010-12-05T12:01:00.003-06:00

I was doing dishes yesterday listening to my iPod while SB and QT danced around the kitchen to Soul Asylum's Runaway Train. I've always liked the line "How on earth did I get so jaded? Life's mysteries seem so faded." Isn't that just so true? As children we are innocent and everything is new, exciting and fascinating. Then one day it changes and you lose that innocence and suddenly you're a jaded adult hoping for the best but often times expecting the worst.

My fourth beta came back Friday night and it didn't quite double. It was 750 Wednesday morning and Friday morning it was 1,417. Now, I know that is greater than the 66% rise that many docs look for and that the doubling time should fall somewhere in between 48 to 72 hours to be normal and mine is somewhere around 52 hours, so well within normal, and yet I'm jaded and so I worry. What if it's slowing down? What if the next numbers fall outside the normal range? Ugh. I wish there was a way to turn my brain off or I wish I could go back to a time when I didn't even know what a beta was.

Sticker Shock

2010-12-02T10:56:00.002-06:00

Let me first say that in no way am I complaining. I am thrilled beyond belief to be pregnant again. However, at my doctor's office yesterday there was a moment of complete sticker shock. I'll break it down:

1. $35 co-pay
2. $50 shipping and handling fee for the blood work
3. $450 paid upfront to the lab for the blood work, hopefully my insurance will reimburse me for some of this amount
4. $15 for gas because the office is 85 miles away
5. $2.50 for tolls

That's a total of $552.50 PER VISIT and I'll be visiting once a week for at least the next 10 weeks. Grand total......drum roll please.......$5,525.00. Holy cats! I am completely clueless where that money is coming from but I'm hoping I have to figure out a way to come up with it because that would mean 10 weeks from now I'm still pregnant.

On to better numbers,

my hcg level at 12dpo was 48, at 14 dpo it was 190 and the latest is at 17dpo it was 750. My progesterone has been between 35 and 45 so that is good too.

In other big news,

During my visit with Dr. Coulam yesterday she not only did blood work but an ultrasound. At only 4wk3d pregnant it seemed almost silly and yet I could see a little tiny circle with a dot showing where the implantation was. It was amazing. Next week I'm hoping to see a baby.

It All Comes Down to the Numbers

2010-11-30T08:22:00.002-06:00

First beta at 12dpo was 48. Second beta at 14dpo was 190. I was very relieved and very pleased that it only took 24 hours to double. That number is higher at 14dpo than it's been in any other pregnancy I've had. I am supposed to go back today for a third so let's hope that the trend of good doubling continues.

We also got good number news from the mortgage guy yesterday. The appraisal on our house came back about $10,000 more than we thought it would so that is great news.

In not so good number news, there is talk about a pay freeze for federal employees so that would mean no extra money for at least two years. My raises at this point are pretty small so it's not the worst that could happen by any means but it still means getting less and paying out more because I didn't hear the President say anything about freezing the cost of my health insurance, or the price of milk, or gas, or my property taxes, or any of the other million and one taxes and fees I have to pay every year. Nope, those will just keep going up.

Two Tubes

2010-11-28T15:49:00.002-06:00

Back to the lab today for another blood draw. Only two tubes so it was really a breeze. The first is to test hcg levels and the second is to test progesterone. I got the progesterone results from Friday back and they were good - 35. Of course, I'm using supplements but my understanding is that they are absorbed into tissue and not the blood stream so whatever my blood levels are is what my actual body is producing and not the supplements.

I'm praying for a more than doubling beta and also praying that the results come tonight. I don't want to have to wait through the entire day tomorrow to find out and I also don't want a call at the office if it's not good news. Additionally, since tomorrow is when I would be exactly 4 weeks pregnant I need to call and schedule an early pregnancy monitoring appointment with Dr. Coulam. I figured I would make sure my beta doubles prior to setting that up but I definitely want to call her tomorrow. Then I'll also need to make an appointment with the endocrinologist to have my thyroid levels checked and I suppose I should tell the RE who did the IUI that it worked.

Hopefully, if the beta comes back good then I can stop using the hpts. I did two more today and the lines are definitely getting darker each day. I only have one FRER left but I have more than 25 cheap internet strips left so that spells t-r-o-u-b-l-e.

Beating Out of My Chest

2010-11-27T09:03:00.002-06:00

I spent most of the day yesterday worrying about how the lines on the hpts weren't getting a lot darker. If I were smart I would only use digital tests which give you nothing to compare anything with since there's no point in trying to compare one "pregnancy" word from another. But nooooo, instead, I use digital AND pink line tests. Oh, and not just one kind of pink line tests, but two. I have cheap internet strips and First Response. In an attempt to ease my mind I called Dr. Bear and asked for a beta. Amazingly, I actually slept last night, unlike last time around when I couldn't sleep waiting for the email saying the test results were available.

This morning I awoke to see the email. While logging onto the site my heart was pounding out of my chest and I felt as though it was going to explode. I was so nervous that the number would be super low and had a moment of relief when I saw it was 48. That seems respectable for 12dpo. Of course, one number doesn't mean anything since it's the doubling of the number that matters. And really, after having two pregnancies fail that both had nice, doubling betas I really don't put much stock in that either. But, I will dutifully report for a follow-up beta tomorrow and will be keeping my fingers crossed that the number more than doubles.

New Thanksgiving Tradition

2010-11-25T10:28:00.002-06:00

Two years ago I was five months pregnant with QT on Thanksgiving. Last year I was two months pregnant with Trey on Thanksgiving, only to lose him a month later. This morning I am officially pregnant again with what I am praying will be our live, happy, healthy, take home baby. I am going to skip the traditional picture showing all the hpts I've taken, and there are many, just because I know how little it really means. Yes, they tell me that I am pregnant, but they don't guarantee that I'll actually have a baby.

I found out yesterday. The test yesterday morning was so faint I couldn't decide if it was a real line or an evap line. There really wasn't a pink color to it. So, I took a FRER with me to work and tested later in the afternoon. A very faint, but definitely pink line appeared. I was overjoyed, bordering on giddy. That lasted maybe a full minute before the worry set it. What if I lose this baby too? If I'm pregnant that means Dr. Sherbahn isn't going to prescribe IVF meds for me and come January 1st I will no longer have insurance coverage for them. Will the universe be so cruel as to have me lose the baby on January 1st? I need this pregnancy and this baby to be okay. I need to find some peace so that I'm not going completely insane in the coming minutes, hours, days, weeks and months.

I know I'm telling anyone who reads this the great news but I'm not certain when I'll actually come out to everyone. I guess I feel as though we shouldn't tell the family until we've had multiple good ultrasounds. There just doesn't seem to be a point to announcing another pregnancy only to lose it early on and have to endure the "it was for the best" comments or the "you should stop trying" comments. And yet, I am the sort of person who just loves to spread good news and this is good news.

Hopefully I'll be able to keep quiet for a few weeks and then the morning sickness will set in and I won't even have to tell anyone since they will all figure it out.

Just One More Day

2010-11-23T14:34:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow marks the end to my having to sit next to a woman who is pregnant around the same time I was due had I not lost the baby this past June. I know that even though she will no longer be pregnant every time she talks about the baby, shows pictures, etc. it will sting me a little bit for I will always remember that I should have a baby that same age. It's been almost a year since my first loss and I still have trouble hearing about babies that were born in June. Ugh. I should have an almost six-month old at home right now.

In more positive news, we semi-passed the home appraisal. We haven't found out what value the house has yet but at least all of our chipping storm windows passed muster. Well, all except one and we can just quick paint that one before the final inspection. A bigger issue is that we don't currently have a rail and railing on our front porch. The porch was replaced this summer and we were putting off getting a railing until a time when we have more free money. I guess it can't wait. But, all in all, I'm happy that all of our hard work scraping paint, re-painting a ton of windows, and all of our cleaning paid off.

Tomorrow I am 10dpo. With at least two of my pregnancies I got my first positive test at 10dpo. So, hopefully it's just one more day until I have great news to share!

Crack Down

2010-11-21T09:16:00.002-06:00

The husband and I are trying to refinance our mortgages into one, big, ginormous mortgage. The appraiser is coming Monday morning and so this weekend has been termed "crack down" weekend. Admittedly, the husband has been doing far more cracking down than I have been. I'm definitely a better cleaner but I tend to lack motivation. The husband is better at starting and keeping going and better at getting rid of stuff. I tend to start sorting through things and then get overwhelmed, am not sure what to keep and what to get rid of and the stuff I do want to keep I'm not sure where to put it. So far we've done a pretty good job of getting the kitchen counters de-cluttered, tidying up the kids' rooms and our bedroom, but still waiting is the living room and den. There is just no point in getting all the toys put away while the kids are up and about and wanting to play with them.

Despite really disliking anything to do with cleaning, I'm glad that the appraiser is coming. I need things like this to really motivate me to get rid of things. Without a reason to immediately get rid of stuff it's too easy to just keep stacking it up. I also find motivation in watching shows like Hoarders or Clean House. The husband always asks me why I watch those shows and I say it's two fold. First, it makes me realize that my stacks of unread magazines don't even begin to compare to the Hoarders whose entire house has been overtaken by junk. Second, the next time I'm going through a stack of magazines I think about how I don't want to become a hoarder and so I throw the magazines away even though they have recipes in them I'd like to try or articles that had good information. Let's face it, I'm never going back to those magazines and all that information is available on the internet anyway.

Speaking of the crack down, I should really get back at it......or maybe I'll have another cup of coffee and then get back to it. I'm 7dpo today and I tested yesterday with a super faint almost not there line so the trigger shot is basically gone. I so want to get up Thanksgiving day and see a clear positive test and yet I'm just not feeling it, once again, so I'm trying to not get my hopes up too high.

Regarding Vomit

2010-11-17T11:12:00.002-06:00

Helpful hint of the day - when a child tells you they are going to throw up believe them.

I remember back in the day when I worked at a family shoe store and a mom brought in her school-age child for new shoes. The girl kept saying she felt sick and saying she felt like she was going to throw up. Her mom told her she was fine and kept trying to get the girl to try on shoes. Flash forward to me kneeling down to check the fit on the sparkling white canvas Keds when, sure enough, the girl barfs everywhere - all over herself, all over the shoes, all over my hair!

So, having been through that you'd think that when SB turned to me yesterday and said "mommy, my tummy hurts, I think I'm going to throw up" that I would have moved like lightening to get him to the bathroom. But no, instead, I told him no, you're not going to throw up and wanted to calm him down. Bad move because, sure enough, he barfs everywhere - all over himself, all over my bed (the pillows, sheet, comforter and blanket) and a little bit on me.

Lesson learned.

Change Makes For Better Response

2010-11-14T12:19:00.003-06:00

Adding in the Follistim seemed to do the trick and I had a much better response this cycle. I went in on Friday for the ultrasound and I had one 17mm follicle on my right ovary and two 14-15mm follicles on my left, along with one other strangler which was probably too small to catch up. The plan was to trigger Sunday night but I got a positive ovulation test Saturday so we did the IUI this morning. I'm hoping that having multiple eggs will result in one being fertilized and implanting. Just one, that's all I'm asking.

The Madison RE who has been doing the IUIs suggested I take dexamethasone this month as a way to help prevent miscarriage so after much hemming and hawing I went ahead and started it. I know that there are studies showing steroids can increase pregnancy success rates but I also know that there are studies showing they can cause complication later in pregnancy. Dr. Coulam doesn't use them so then that makes me wonder if I should have started taking them. But, too late now, so I'm going to continue with it and see what happens.

Okay, I'm off to get going on the laundry, cleaning up the living room, thinking about painting some more (note I said thinking about, I doubt that I will ever actually get the point of doing any painting). Oh, and I hope to get some pictures actually off my camera and onto the computer. I've been thinking a lot about trying to include more pics in this blog which also leads me to that I've been considering writing more about SB and QT. When I started this blog I was struggling to give SB a sibling and now I'm struggling again. I've shied away from writing too much about my kids, or including too many pictures, because I understand that for those who are struggling to have their first may not appreciate that. At the same time, I've been thinking that for the most part I blog about the bad things, the hard times, the struggles and perhaps it would help if I focused a bit more on all the positive things in my life as well. So, we'll see how that goes. I barely find the time to write these posts so practically adding pictures will add time. Stay tuned and see what happens.

Thank God for Sticky Notes

2010-11-09T14:24:00.002-06:00

What would I do without the almighty sticky note? I've always been a list maker. It's not that I have a poor memory, although more and more so I do have a poor memory, but more so I make lists so that I have a visual reminder of things and I have something to cross off or throw away when I'm done doing whatever is on said list and that in and of itself gives me satisfaction. When the husband needs to remember something he wears a rubber band. Me, I'd have to make a note reminding myself to put on the rubber band!

So, anyway, lately I've been thinking about all the things I need to get done. The list is long:

- paint the front door
- paint the back porch
- touch up all the paint chips on the inside of the house
- laundry (mine and the kids)
- grocery shopping
- pay the bills
- get going on Christmas gifts
- make a plan for Thanksgiving, find recipes, etc.
- get my bedroom cleaned up (put clean clothes away, pack away summer clothes, etc.)
- clean up QT's room to rid it of odd extra blankets and old books
- clean off the dining room table
- clean the litter box yet again

Well, you get the picture. It's everyday chores to longer range plans. Lately I've been feeling as though I need a different kind of list. One that would help me to snap out of this funk that I've been in for almost a year now. One that would help me to be happier and less annoyed with just about everyone and everything around me. What would that list look like?

- get into reading a really good book
- watch at least one really funny movie a week
- go out for walks when the weather is nice
- go out to dinner with friends more often
- even more hugs and kisses from the husband, SB and QT
- go back to church
- start knitting or crocheting again
- get this blog some bling or something to jazz it up a bit
- start baking again

I don't honestly know that any of those things would work, except that they help me to take my mind off of trying to get pregnant again, at least for a little while, and I need that now because I feel as though it's all encompassing.

I'll Trade With You

2010-11-08T09:26:00.002-06:00

Monday mornings are never easy, specially when it means returning to work where I sit next a very pregnant woman. You'd think that by this point I'd be used to it but nope, I'm not, and just looking at her is a struggle for me. This morning I listened to her talking about how she hasn't been sleeping well and how now her ankles are beginning to swell. I was so tempted to tell her that I would trade with her. I'll take the big baby belly, the swollen ankles and all the sleepless nights in the world if it meant I was pregnant with a healthy baby. I'll even take the pregnancies I've had in the past, meaning ones in which I was throwing up multiple times a day, every day for the entire pregnancy. Bring it on.

I've been pregnant four times so I know that it isn't always the easiest thing physically to go through but when you're complaining about things that are merely nuisances, and not really all that big of a deal, I start to get annoyed. After all, there are millions of non-pregnant women who don't sleep well at night or whose backs hurt or ankles are swollen. Those ailments aren't unique to pregnant women and at least for pregnant women there is an end in sight with a wonderful reward.

Suspicion Confirmed

2010-11-05T10:32:00.002-05:00

I called Dr. Sherbahn's office this morning to schedule an IVF consultation. This was prompted by my receiving the stupidest letter I think I've ever received last night. Yesterday after I checked the new insurance plan brochure I was afraid that fertility drugs would no longer be covered. Well, any doubt that I had went away upon reading the letter from Blue Cross Blue Shield. It stated that in an attempt to make certain they were providing only best and most reasonable health care to their members they sometimes review accounts. I was receiving the letter because they say I had a history of being prescribed infertility medications. The letter went on to state that they will continue to cover these medications, however, for any woman under the age of 50, prior approval will be needed for the drugs AND they will NOT be covered if they are being used for artificial reproduction procedures. Hmmm..........when else would you be using fertility drugs but when you're doing fertility treatments???? I am so tempted to call and ask exactly when they will cover them but it would just make me madder than I already am to hear their lame response. It's like them saying they will cover chemo except when it's being used for cancer treatments. I hate insurance, I hate infertility, I hate miscarriages, I hate worry, I hate stress. That's a whole lotta hate. I don't want to turn into a little ball of hate.

Most of all I'm hating how now I am worried about this cycle working. I want nothing more than to be pregnant but I'm worried now that I will get pregnant this cycle, not be able to order any of the fertility meds, I'll lose the baby early next year and then we'll be right back where we were, not being able to afford the meds to do an IVF.

Dr. Sherbahn's office wants cd3 blood work done (which odd can be done cd1 - cd4) so I need to get that done today. With his office being over an hour away that doesn't make it the most convenient. I have a call in to my ob to ask him if he'll order the tests so that I can just get them done on my way home from work. I also scheduled an ultrasound so they can check my pathetic antral follicle count but now I'm realizing that I will have taken the Femara and will be using the Follistim when I have that done so that probably won't work. And, if it won't work, then I have to wait until December when this cycle is over to have the ultrasound which pushes back the doctor's time to decide what IVF protocol and, most importantly, what kind of drugs I would need. I don't want to be scrambling to get the meds in late December.

And, why is it that my ob's office can't just call me back? I left the message over two hours ago and my co-workers have been away from their desks almost that whole time but now that they are back and will be able to hear everything I say, I'm sure the office will call now.

Yea, I'm totally a little ball of hate.

Is it Bed Time Yet?

2010-11-04T11:13:00.002-05:00

We're in that time of the year when it's pitch black outside when I wake up and it's pitch black outside right around the time I get home from work. It just makes me want to curl up and stay in bed.

Even more so this morning did I want to stay in bed. I'm sick with a cold/cough/throat thing and yet I dragged myself to work because I don't want to use up my sick leave on something as silly as being sick. I need to save every last hour I can so that I have time to go to my million and one doctor appointments and, if I get pregnant, time to go to the million and two doctor appointments, not to mention having a decent maternity leave. I can't waste my sick leave on being sick!

I got some distressing news today. It's the health fair (doesn't that sound like fun?) today which for me really is just depressing. We have tons of health insurance plans to choose from, like seriously, there has to be at least ten of them and yet not a single one covers any infertility treatments. They will all pay to diagnosis you with a problem but none will pay to treat those problems. My plan has been to pretty much stick with what I have now since although they won't pay for IUIs or IVF they will cover the drugs EXCEPT that the plan brochure for next yea has one line that isn't in this year's brochure and that is "Not covered, infertility drugs used for ART procedures." So great, just great. The one benefit I have is about to go away and now I just have one more f'ing thing to stress about. Seriously, I'm in a panic and wondering if I should try and get a doctor to prescribe all the possible drugs I would need for an IVF cycle now so that in case we decide to go that route sometime next year at least I would have that part covered.

Can I just go home and go to bed now and not have to think about any of this?

And So It Begins Again

2010-11-02T10:51:00.002-05:00

Big stuff going on today:

1. My new cycle started. I'm still disappointed that last cycle failed and I'm not feeling super excited about this one but hopefully that will change the further into I get. I'm repeating the 12.5 mega dose of Femara on cd3-7 and then adding in 150 of Follistim on cd8-10. I'm not quite sure what to expect. Last month I got my hopes up that the Femara would help me to produce multiple follicles but in the end I only had one. Will adding that little bit of Follistim that late in the cycle really help anything? Only time will tell.

2. Mid-term elections. I got up a little early and was at the polls right at 7:00a.m. when they opened. I always enjoy voting, even when sometimes it's hard for me to find someone I agree with to vote for. The husband went a little later and took SB with him and I guess he got a sample ballot and an "I voted" sticker and he was just the happiest little boy ever. I hope my kids grow up to be interested in politics, their country and the world around them in the same way the husband and I are. I also hope they share more of my views than the husband's ;-)

3. Scaffolding is being built as I type. We've been in our house almost five years now and although we knew it was a major fixer-upper project when we bought it I'm not sure we were really prepared for how much fixing there would be. Our first seven months were spent fixing everything - new bathrooms, new kitchen, every inch of wall was painted, the den ceiling was replaced, new wiring, new pipes in some areas, new water heater, etc. It was a lot of work and a lot of money but it all seemed worth it. I mistakenly assumed that once all that work was completed that we were done fixing for a while. Wrong!

Last year, with most of our storm windows rotting beyond repair we set about replacing all the ones we could. This year with one of our front steps disintegrating to the point that I was just waiting for someone to step on it and have the whole thing collapse and a lawsuit to follow, we made the decision to replace the front porch. Just an fyi, replacing a front porch is expensive.

Now scaffolding is being built so that hopefully our leaky chimney and entryway roof will finally be fixed. This will be third time hiring someone to fix the fact that water pours down the walls of our entry way closet whenever it rains or snow melts. I'm excited to think it may actually get fixed but even if it does that doesn't mean we're done fixing because once it's no longer leaking I need to have the now very water damaged plaster repaired. Just another fyi, having real plaster repaired is expensive.

No In Between

2010-11-01T08:46:00.002-05:00

Do you ever find yourself driving to work on a Monday morning and wondering if you even had a weekend? As I drive my daily drive, making the same turns, the same stops, parking in the same spot, I begin to think "didn't I just do this yesterday?" No, yesterday was Sunday so I know I didn't but it's like once you're back in that work routine it's as though you never left.

I enjoy my work, most of the time. Sometimes it's challenging and sometimes not. Sometimes I'm very busy, other times not so much. But, I find it's a decent balance and I often get a real sense of accomplishment from it so I'm happy.

What I'm not happy about is my daily stress over what to wear. This morning I chose the navy pants, the ones that are too big for me, and so I will now spend the entire day trying to get them to stay up (there are no belt loops otherwise that would be the obvious solution). You would think that having pants be too big would make me happy but honestly, they aren't big because I've lost weight, I just bought them too big. I have a pair of khaki pants which I have the same problem with. Last week I wore a new pair of black pants that I bought which are just a little too tight and so when I wear them I also wear Spanx underneath. The day after that I wore a new pair of gray pants which also require Spanx. By the end of that second day my stomach was sore from being squished two days straight.

The obvious question here is why don't I just buy pants that fit. My answer: there is no in between. Either the pants fit me in the waist but are too tight on my hips and butt or they fit nicely on my hips and butt but are far too big in the waist. What's a chubby girl to do?

Maybe the better answer is to just buy skirts!

Try, Try Again

2010-10-31T14:29:00.002-05:00

When you fail what should you do? Try, try again! And so that is what my plan is. I'm disappointed and sad but need to just keep pushing forward. If I get really lucky I'll be able to have my ultrasound on Veteran's Day when I'm already off from work and then the IUI would hopefully follow on Saturday or Sunday. I need to save as much of my leave as I can so that I'll be able to take a maternity leave.

The Annoying Mom

2010-10-29T09:29:00.002-05:00

No, I'm not talking about my mother! I'm talking about those moms who incessantly chatter on about their children. It's one thing to tell a funny, cute, endearing story about your little one, it's a completely other thing to go on about the minutiae of what your child does during the day and night. You know, the mom who tells you in painstaking detail about how her child woke up at 2:03 a.m. and then they had to get out of bed and say "what's wrong sweetie" and then their child just kept crying so they picked them up and rocked them for exactly 14 minutes and then when they laid them back down in the crib the child started wailing again so they had to go find a pacifier even though they had said they were never going to use pacifiers and then finally the child feel asleep but woke up again at 5:24 a.m. and was calling for mommy so the mom had to get up again and now she's up for the whole day and she's exhausted but oh, the baby had such a cute grin that it just made everything okay until she changed his diaper and the poop was a mushy green and so that made the mom wonder if the kid is sick and should she call the pediatrican or not.............and on, and on and on...................

I listen to conversations like this multiple times each day and honestly, it's beginning to wear on me. I have children, I get it, and at the same time I don't get it. My children and not my sole interest in life and even if they were I am smart enough to know that they aren't the sole interest of my co-workers lives. Tell me the story about one cute thing your kid did yesterday but please, I'm begging, stop short of telling me the details of your child's poop.

Seeing God

2010-10-28T11:29:00.003-05:00

When I was little and riding in the car with my mom she would sometimes say "look at the sky, you can see God peaking through the clouds." She was referring to when the sunlight streaks through the gaps in the clouds. I remember thinking how cool that was, that I could actually see God. Of course, now that I'm older, I know that isn't God, but then again, I suppose if I believe that God created the Earth, the universe, the sun, etc. that perhaps it in a way it is Him looking down on little 'ole me.

This morning as I was driving to work I saw God. Over the lake was a massive wall of dark and ominous clouds but just over the lakefront was beautiful blue, yellow sky with misty streaks of light breaking through. It was quite the sight to see.

Back in the day, before I became so jaded, I would have taken such a beautiful sight as a good sign. But, now I just see it as beautiful but really attach no other meaning to it.

Today I am 10dpo and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't make a second line appear on the test strip this morning.

Testing Out the Trigger Just Got Harder

2010-10-25T18:36:00.002-05:00

I have a small stockpile of home pregnancy tests in my bathroom closet and my plan this cycle was to test out my trigger shot. My collection includes some internet test strips, some FRER sticks (results 6 days earlier!!!! is what it exclaims on the box) and one or two CBE digital tests. My problem is that both the internet cheapies and the FRER test for very low levels of hcg and so that makes it harder to test out the trigger. I tried Saturday morning and got a clear positive with the internet strip and then tested again this morning and got another positive. So, I tried a FRER this morning which was negative within the time frame but faintly positive later. It kinda sucks to have to waste tests trying to see a negative. I guess the good news is that if I have a FRER turn positive within the testing time frame later this week I'll know it's a real positive. Let's hope that is what happens. I don't feel pregnant.

Packages

2010-10-22T12:43:00.005-05:00

Lately everyday when I come home there is a package waiting for me. Don't you just love getting packages? Mine have been coming due to a borderline obsession I seem to have with on-line discount shopping sites such as zulilly, the mini social and haute look. Each day I get an email telling me that new things are available for sale so I go, just to check it out, but inevitably I find something super cute for QT or SB and it's so easy to just click and buy it.

The other day this is what arrived:

How could I resist? I ordered it in the 9 month size since the trend is that my babies are chunky and grow out of the smaller sizes super quickly. The only question now is when will I have a baby to wear this?

Now is the Time

2010-10-21T09:09:00.002-05:00

I was paging through a catalog last night, as I am apt to do as I receive about five new ones each day in the months leading up to Christmas, when I saw a silver ring inscribed with the saying "Now is the time to be happy. If not now, when?" It hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes, of course, NOW is the time to be happy. Why wallow in misery when you can choose happiness? I am happy quite a bit of the time, like when I see SB and QT playing with the kitten and laughing until they are almost crying, or when SB falls asleep next to me in bed right after telling me how he loves me more than anything on this earth, or when the kids and the husband give me big hugs before I leave for work every morning. So, I'm making progress. I just need to kick the sadness over my losses to the curb and remember that now is the time.

I'd also love to kick the massive headache I have today to the curb with some Frova, but unfortunately, I'm not supposed to take migraine medicine when I'm waiting to see if I'm pregnant. I'd love to think that this is a good sign but I think the headache was brought on my atmospheric pressure as it rained last night and also possibly by the progesterone that I'm on. That's the bad thing about progesterone, it can make you feel pregnant even when you're not. Cruel, cruel progesterone.

A Year Ago Today

2010-10-19T10:18:00.002-05:00

I've reached the point in time at which I'm going to be saying "a year ago today" a lot. So, this is the first in a long line of posts to come:

A year ago today I found out that I was pregnant.

Today I look back with such sadness and I'm getting teary eyed just typing this. I know I should be looking forward instead of looking back. I know I should be hopeful that this IUI works instead of focusing on my losses. I know I should just be thankful for the wonderful family that I have and perhaps give up the fight. But, ultimately, the heart wants what the heart wants, and my heart wants my babies back.

Anticipation, Anticipapapation

2010-10-17T11:17:00.002-05:00

Without anticipation of a certain outcome you could not really have disappointment. I know this and yet I continually allow myself to come up with crazy expectations. This cycle I took 12.5 of Femara EACH day for five days. That is a higher dose per day than most women take their entire cycle. So, my expectation was that I would develop three or more follicles. I actually worried that I would develop too many and that we wouldn't be able to go forward with the cycle. I wondered what it would be like to find out that I'm pregnant with triplets. And on and on and on.

Yesterday I went for my follie check and guess what? One. One freakin' follicle. I know all I need is one good egg so I'm actually not too disappointed, I'm more concerned about what my only developing one follicle on such a high dose of meds means for the future. How many would I develop in an IVF cycle, two or three? Would we be wasting our money even trying one?

And, of course, my expectation now for this cycle is that I will get pregnant so once again I am setting myself up for some huge disappointment.

IUI is scheduled for tomorrow morning. For those who are keeping track, that will make about ten hours over a five day period spent driving to and from doctor's appointments. That is crazy.

And the Winner Is.....

2010-10-14T16:28:00.003-05:00

Option number one.

All of my test results came back normal with the exception of the MTHFR gene mutation which we already knew I had. The recommendation is to get pregnant and then return for early pregnancy monitoring which entails weekly blood work and ultrasounds. Yes, weekly. Certain blood tests would be re-run as certain problems only become activated by pregnancy. So, although my natural killer cells tested normal they could go into overdrive if and when I become pregnant again and at that point we would do IVIg. I understand not treating something that isn't wrong but I struggle with waiting until I'm pregnant to find out something is wrong and then treating it while crossing our fingers that we're not too late. I can't help but feel like the last pregnancy was behind from the very beginning and so even if I had gotten treatment right away would it have helped? And, that is another frustrating thing, I'll never know. I'll never know if anything would have helped the other pregnancies and worse, I'll never know why we lost them.

Be Kind 39

2010-10-14T10:18:00.002-05:00

I'm 39 now and feel the pressure of time passing as it relates to having more children. Last year I felt as though I still had two good years ahead of me and a plan in place. As it turned out, I was actually already pregnant and just didn't know it yet. But, as we all know, that pregnancy ended followed by another loss just six months later. So, 38 kinda sucked. I'm hoping that year 39 will be kinder and gentler to me and my babies.

Today is the big day for test results. I have another consultation with Dr. Coulam and all the results, for both me and the husband, are in. I'm nervous. I keep trying to come up with the scenario that I'd be okay with but honestly there isn't one. Option one would be that she tells me all the tests were normal and wouldn't that be good news? Well, yes, except that would still leave me with no answers as to why I lost two babies and really wouldn't give me a ton of comfort going forwards. Option two would be she says such and such is wrong and these are the treatment options. At least then I would have a partial answer but oh the pressure of having to make decisions about moving forward. Should we keep trying, what are the risks, what are our odds of having a successful pregnancy, will the treatments even work, etc. Option three would be that she just tells me that it would be best to not have more children. Clearly, a devastating option, and yet freeing in that it really leaves me with no decisions to make other than if we want to pursue adoption and what to do with our little frozen embryo. Why can't life just be simple for once?

Well, What Do You Know

2010-10-07T16:55:00.002-05:00

At the ripe old age of 39 (I guess I won't be 39 until next week but still) I am considering changing careers and going to medical school. Okay, no, not really, I am way too old for that but I think I could if I really felt the calling. Anyway, the thought pops into my mind because guess who called today to say that I need to reduce the amount of my thyroid medicine? Yep, endocrinologist man called to say exactly what I said in my post yesterday and exactly what I said to him two months ago when he insisted that I should stay on the same dose.

Just call me Dr. Kelly.

Blindly Moving Forward

2010-10-06T15:09:00.002-05:00

Today my new cycle started and so with a bottle full of Femara on my desk, a syringe full of Ovidrel in my fridge, and a massive stash of progesterone and Lovenox, I am set to begin an IUI cycle. I called the clinic today and scheduled a day 11 ultrasound and am hoping that my blood work and consultation with Dr. Coulam happens prior to that ultrasound. The ultrasound is scheduled for the 16th so I really just have next week. Yikes.

In other news, my thyroid is still very wacky. Four months ago my TSH was over 5. After a mere one month on medication it plummeted all the way down to 0.10. At that time I asked the doctor if he was going to change the dosage but he firmly answered no and told me that I had the test done too soon and that I needed to stay on the same dose and get tested after I'd been on the meds three months. Well, it's been three months and the results are in and my TSH has dropped even further to 0.03. Clearly, to me anyway, I am on too much medication and it is making me hyperthyroid. I only have one pill left so before I go and refill the medication I am hoping that the doctor will call and let me know what in the world he thinks is going on.

And so, despite have basically zero answers, I am moving forward.

A Different Kind of Two Week Wait

2010-10-04T13:45:00.003-05:00

Ugh. I just got off the phone with Dr. Coulam's office and got the bad news that it could be another full week before they have my blood work results back. How can it take two weeks to do blood tests? At this stage in the came I shouldn't be surprised by this or even disappointed but I am.

So, now here I sit contemplating how much longer I should keep using the progesterone, trying to hold off on getting my period so that we could hopefully get the results, have the consultation, do IVIg or intralipids if necessary and still do an IUI this cycle. I keep thinking that it's all doable but deep down I'm thinking that it's really not. Things will not just fall into place how I need them to and we'll end up missing out on yet another cycle.

Next week I turn 39. At this point, every cycle is important.

IVF is Back on the Table!

2010-10-01T14:22:00.002-05:00

Just the other day I posted about wanting just one day where things seemed to go my way. Well, perhaps today is that day.

I've been testing this week and each test has shown just one dark pink line. It's looking like I am not pregnant. And so, with that in mind, I decided to move ahead and fill the femara, ovidrel and progesterone prescriptions I've had since we thought about doing an IUI back in April prior to finding out I was pregnant. The husband made his 100th trip to the Walgreens to get them filled. Later that night he made his 101st trip back to pick them up. Here's where things get good - my insurance paid for them!

I thought that maybe we just got lucky so I decided to do some investigating. I called my insurance company and questioned if Gonal-f or Follistim were covered drugs. Yes, indeed they are and I can even get a 15 day supply for a mere $35 co-pay. Holy cats! I am in heaven thinking that we could do an IVF and have the meds virtually paid for. Of course, that still doesn't answer where we're getting the $11,000 to pay for the actual IVF procedure, but it sure is easier to come up with $11,000 than $18,000.

In this moment, I am happy and excited about the future.

It's a New Record

2010-09-28T13:38:00.002-05:00

Last night I beat my record for most number of vials used during a blood draw. Previously, the most I had ever had taken was 14 vials but last night I hit a new record high of 15 vials. Something to be excited about? Not really, but I can't tell you how relieved I was that someone was even taking my blood.

After the screw-up with the doctor's office where they forgot to run some very important tests on the blood I drove all the way to Evanston to give, I thought I would have to drive all the way back down there. After some discussion the nurse said she'd try and find a lab here to draw the blood and run the tests. The tests being a bit out of the norm, it came down to one lab that said they could do them. Saturday morning I presented my arm at the appointed lab but alas, no-one there knew what one of the ordered tests was. After waiting 40 minutes a decision was finally made to send me home with directions to return Monday if they had things figured out.

I was upset by getting jerked around yet again, and even more upset that the days until my next cycle starts just keep ticking away and I still have no plan of attack for next cycle. The delay in this testing delays everything else as well. And yet, at the same time, I'm just coming to accept that very few things have been going the right way for me lately.

In the end, the lab called me yesterday to report that they could indeed to the tests and I went back to the lab and had 12 vials of blood taken from my left arm and three vials of blood taken from my right arm. As she drew the blood, the technician and I were talking. Turns out she lost a son at one month old. I can't even imagine.

One Day

2010-09-22T16:24:00.002-05:00

That's all I'm asking for, one day. One day of not seeing pregnant women everywhere I go. One day of not thinking about how I'm about to reach the one year anniversary of finding out I was pregnant. One day of not thinking about how I'm about to turn 39 and rapidly running out of time to have another baby. One day of not mourning the loss of my two little babies. One day of not worrying about when or even if I will ever get pregnant again.

It's such a little request and yet it's not within anyone's power to make it happen.

I fall back on the wise words of Van Morrison, "momma said there would be days like this." He didn't mean bad days, but good days. Days so good that just the day before you would never have believed it was possible. There will be days where everything goes right. I'm just waiting for that day.

Trooper

2010-09-16T16:01:00.003-05:00

Today Dr. Coulam called me a "trooper." I guess when you've given birth to three children, had a D&C, had easily 50 ultrasounds, twice as many blood draws, a HSG, a hysteroscopy, two IUIs and an IVF, and go to for weekly acupuncture treatments, having two or three more tests done doesn't really phase you.

I made the long drive this morning so that I could have a uterine blood flow study, a saline ultrasound and 12 vials of blood drawn. Apparently, the blood flow to my uterus is normal and the ultrasound showed no anatomical impediments to my getting pregnant or carrying a baby to term. So, good news. The results of the blood tests will take a week or two so I'm back to waiting. I'm just hoping I get the results in time to decide on a plan for my next cycle. Times a wastin'.

FINALLY

2010-09-11T12:27:00.002-05:00

I finally have a doctor who is willing to do something...........do something so long as I'm willing to pay lots of money, but willing nonetheless. At this point I'm just so jaded and so tired that I can't even muster up much anger over the ludicrous expense of mere blood work. I know that I'm at the end of the road of doctors to go see, tests to have done and treatments to look into so I might have just reached acceptance mode. I'll shell out $1,000 for blood tests if it means that someone will finally give me some answers and spell out possible treatments.

So, Dr. Coulam was very reassuring. She actually read through my records, reviewed all my past blood work results, and discussed my entire history with me. And she listened, really listened to what I said. It sounds simple but it happens rarely with doctors. She does not think my losses are chromosome related and so she wants to investigate the other three possible issues. One is that there is something anatomically causing the pregnancies to fail and so next week I will have another hysteroscopy to check for fibroids and polyps and also a uterine blood flow ultrasound to make sure there is enough blood going to be uterus to support a pregnancy. Second, the million and one blood tests to check for clotting and immune issues. Third, blood testing for the husband to see if my body is possibly reacting to some part of his contribution to the baby. After the test results are in I will meet with her once again so we can review the results and discuss possible treatments. So for right now I'm satisfied that I'm on the right path and with the right doctor. I only wish there was some way to make this all go faster.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

2010-09-05T12:05:00.002-05:00

My chart looked very nice this cycle. I even had a brief time where it was triphasic. Normally that would bring on some excitement but when you start testing at 9dpo and day after day after day you see negative tests it kinda puts a damper on things. Let's face it, in the end it doesn't matter how good things look because the only thing that really needs to look good is two lines on a pregnancy test. I'm now 15dpo and I'm stopping the Lovenox and progesterone.

This morning right after I looked at yet another negative test, twisting and turning it in the light willing a second line to appear, SB woke up and asked if he could get up and come lay in the big bed with me and snuggle. Sure buddy, of course you can, and at least that made things a little bit better.

Friday I'm going to see the reproductive immunologist in Chicago and she had damn well better have some answers and a plan for me or my next post may just be from an insane asylum.

Doctors suck

2010-09-01T16:16:00.002-05:00

That about sums it up.

Working it Out

2010-08-30T09:57:00.002-05:00

No, I didn't say I was working out, oh please! I said that I am working it out, meaning I am working out the next steps (still). Here I thought making the decision about what treatment to pursue would be the hard part but au contraire, the decision to do IUI has been made it's finding a doctor to provide IVIg or intralipids that is proving to the be the problem.

After playing phone tag all week with the soon to be closing fertility clinic I finally talked to the nurse on Friday. I explained that I wanted to do IUI next cycle and also do IVIg and not wait to do IVIg after I find out I'm pregnant. She said she'd talk it over with the doctor and get back to me.

Not hearing back from her Friday and not being too hopeful of hearing back from her today, I emailed the Madison RE I saw back in April to ask her again if she'd be willing to treat the natural killer cell problem. Despite her saying prior that she's be willing to do that her new response is that she's only willing to treat the issue with steroids and not with IVIg or intralipids. She suggested I see a doctor in Chicago.

I honestly don't think I can get any more frustrated. How many more months am I going to have to waste just trying to find a doctor?

Broken Eggs

2010-08-25T15:56:00.003-05:00

So you know how I was putting all my eggs into one basket and hoping that the new new doctor would be willing to deal with all of my issues? Well, the basket broke right along with all the eggs in it. Things seemed to be going fine until I brought up IVIG and the doctor literally rolled his eyes at me and just said "no." No what I asked and he was then happy to tell me how he doesn't believe that elevated levels of natural killer cells really mean anything in relation to miscarriages. According to him, there just isn't enough data out there to support the theory that IVIG will help. Gee, imagine that, pregnant women aren't willing to be guinea pigs and risk losing their babies in order to provide data for doctors who for the most part are already dismissive of the seriousness of miscarriages. I did manage to pry out of him, however, that there is no harm in doing IVIG.

I actually took the news a little better than I thought I would. It's somewhat sad that I'm so used to disappointment.

I'm Not Good at Limbo

2010-08-19T20:47:00.002-05:00

I'm sure at some point in my youth I did the limbo. I'm also pretty sure that I wasn't any good at it. Now, far out of my youth, I'm still no good at limbo. I'm not talking about the game though, I'm talking about going through the days, the weeks and the months with no clear direction.

We made the decision to not pursue IVF right now and I have mixed feelings about that. I know it's our best chance for another baby and so it's hard for me to not go that route. At the same time, the IVF we maybe just barely could afford is with a doctor without a lot of IVF experience. If need be, I think it would be better to later on raid my 401K to pay for IVF with Dr. Sherbahn again rather than go forward with a cheaper but chances are less successful option.

No IVF leaves us with trying on our own and/or doing IUIs. This cycle we're trying on our own and that again leads me to mixed feelings. I want nothing more than to get pregnant again but I'm also worried about how we're not doing IVIG this cycle and so what if I do get pregnant and it ends poorly? I just keep telling myself to move forward and stop worrying so much but it's hard.

I've been referred to yet another doctor, another maternal fetal medicine doc, who I am seeing on Monday. The purpose of this is to find someone willing to manage my natural killer cell issue and either have me do IVIG or intralipid infusions. I'm pretty much putting all my eggs into this basket - the basket of finally finding a doctor who will handle my issues - and I keep trying to suppress that nagging feeling of doubt that I have. I am so worried that I will go on Monday and the doc will tell me he doesn't believe in the theory that elevated natural killer cells are a problem, or, he'll say he believes in the theory but doesn't prescribe IVIG. The desperation and frustration would really peak for me then and I just don't think I can take any more disappointment right now. My plate is full enough as it is.

Speaking of full plates, I managed to spend a week out of town on business, eating every meal out and I only gained back a few of the pounds I had lost. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way I have lost all will to diet. The Fresh Diet food delivery is awesome and the food all tastes really great but I'm in a funk where I just want to eat crap or I want to eat what I want to eat instead of eating a dinner I decided on a full week ago. With eating I'm definitely an in the moment person, I get a hankering for something and I go out and get that for my next meal, so the structure of a diet is hard for me. So, I'm thinking of tabling the diet for a while and seeing if I can just focus on maintaining the little bit of weight that I have lost.

Tomorrow's Friday and I'm just hoping like heck that I get paid tomorrow. The bills are stacking up and I need to tackle them this weekend but that will be hard to do with no money.